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Pokemon 11: Giratina and the Sky-Warrior
Fucking with the Elder Gods is a baaaad idea |
"Too late!" laughed the Goblin,"Catch me or catch your friend, the choice is yours!"
And with that he tossed Brandon off the bridge, leapt atop his glider (something slipping out of bag of pumpkin bombs as he did so) and sped off. For me there was no choice, I fired a web from the mechanical webshooters around my wrist, snagging Brandon's ankle as he fell. But as he pulled to a stop, I heard a sickening crack.
"No! NO!" I shouted, hauling him up, straining with every muscle, desperate but dreading to know if he was alive or dead. Finally he was up at my height, and I held him dangling as he lay there limp, unresponsive, de-
"The blood's rushing to my head," he complained, blinking,"Put me down please."
"BRANDON!" I laughed, filled with joy,"I thought you were...."
"What?" he asked.
"You know," I said,"You were.... y'know..."
"Gay?"
"No! That thing you can't say because of the moral brigade...."
"Gay?" he asked again.
"No!" I shouted.
"Can you put me down?" he asked again,"It's a little difficult to breath."
"Sure," I smiled, and prepared to haul him around to the relative stability of the bridge when I noticed what had dropped out of the goblin's bag.
"Woah, that's Giratina and the Sky-Warrior!" I laughed,"Sweet!"
I let go of what I was holding and picked it up, swinging away to get home and watch it as quickly as possible, only stopping to pick up some chips and dip.
Though I couldn't help thinking that I'd forgotten something....
Pokemon Movie 11: Giratina and the Sky Warrior
The narrator explains that there are hundreds of Pokemon, possibly thousands! Because this franchise will never end! BWAHAHAHA! We see Pokemon in the air, the sea, the forests, fields, even in the cities, including KOFFING! And of course with all these bizarre semi-sentient animals about, what better way to make use of them than by having them beat the holy shit out of each other for the amusement of a decadent population with no requirement for a formal education!
And of course, amongst those trainers is Ash Ketchum, the heroic hero of Pokemon, the brave and valiant..... RETARD! Yes, stupid ol' Ash blundering his way through life alongside Brock and the latest in a series of pretty young girls he is completely oblivious to - Dawn! And as they meander their way through a life free from financial requirements or formal education, somewhere else in the forest in the dark we discover another in the neverending stream of new Pokemon to come as the "fad" of Pokemon continues on from strength to strength - Shaymin.
It's a guinea pig!
The worried little white and green guinea pig seems nervous about other Pokemon floating about through the air, sneezes (yay!) and then skitters along to a small pond where it laps up the water. As it does though, light flashes and Shaymin looks up to see..... God!
Well, a God, at least - it's Dialga! The God of Time has appeared beside the pond to look regal and mysterious, which it does very well. As it does though, Shaymin isn't the only one to have seen it - it is also being viewed by a strange Pokemon in a shimmering void.... and a very self-satisfied man named Zero.
As they watch, the mysterious Pokemon - identified as Giratina by the projection of the woman surrounding Zero - TEARS A HOLE IN REALITY AND SINKS ITS JAWS INTO THE THROAT OF THE GOD OF TIME AND DRAGS IT SCREAMING INTO ITS OWN DARK DIMENSION!
Pokemon is allegedly a kid's show, by the way.
Shaymin is hauled into the void alongside them, the force of the eldritch horror that is Giratina assaulting the God of Time apparently having somewhat of a "drag factor" on those around it. As Zero watches this though, he seems oddly confident that Giratina will fail to take Dialga into "Reverse World" as it is called, and tells the Projection - a real person or a hologram? - to find the next "point of appearance".
In this so-called reverse world where the forest is replaced by small floating islands of greenery, the bizarre monstrosity that is Giratina drags the struggling Dialga with it. They are observed by a young man and his Shieldon, using an odd scanner/binocular to spot Shaymin clutching on for dear life. Dialga smashes free of Giratina and flies back up through the tear in space, only to be grabbed by the abomination and hauled back, their fighting knocking Shaymin flying through the air as it squeaks in horror and suddenly explodes with green light, tearing a hole in dimensions that it falls though, landing in another body of water and being swept clear, picked up by Zero's scanners and quickly dismissed as Dialga again attempts to escape and is again hauled back by Giratina - acting for who knows what reasons - who can understand the mind of an eldritch horror from the nether dimension?
Dialga isn't trying to, that's for sure, it blasts the fuck out of Giratina and escapes through the tear in time, leaving a frustrated Giratina behind to attempt to tear a fresh hole... only to discover that Dialga has created some kind of temporal protection that prevents Giratina from follows it. And this insectile/dragon/tentacled monstrosity does NOT look pleased about it!
Dialga flies away, as high in the clouds Zero's floating fortress is very impressively revealed, with Zero frustrated that they've arrived too late but curious when the Projection reveals that Giratina has become trapped in an infinite loop and cannot leave the Reverse World any longer.
Meanwhile, Shaymin is swept downriver and over a waterfall, heading down deeper into the forest to towards a distant coastal town. The scene is set, some deep eldritch horror has emerged from the nether dimension of Reverse World in an attempt to capture and possibly eat the God of Time - all observed by the supervillain Zero in his flying fortress of evil while a small cute guinea pig has sneezed and accidentally become part of a plot to capture the Gods themselves.
Just another day in the Pokemon World then!
In the town, Ash and Pikachu are running about like retards while Brock makes some kind of pancakes and admonishes Ash to wash his filthy hands and Dawn is bending over by the foundain giving any passing boaters a special illegal treat.
They call out their Pokemon to eat, but as that is going on, a dusty Shayman sneaks up on the human's lunch table to grab a bite. Ash turns around in time to discover it gobbling hungrily on the pancakes, ignoring the twerps, then Pikachu's admonishments not to eat the food, even biting Piplup's paw when it tries to stop it.
It kicks up a bunch of dust and leaps off of the table onto Ash's cap, swinging about and landing on the grill which it tips over, sending soot everywhere..... and then sucking it all into its body! It glows bright and an explosion of green energy sends everyone over on their asses, after which a grumpy Piplup shouts at it and the other Pokemon surround it to give it a beating. Dawn stops them though, picking it up and carrying it to the fountain where she washes the soot of and cleans it up. It shakes itself clean, splashing Ash and Piplup in the process, and Shaymin tells them it feels nice and clean now, but she could have been a little gentler.
Dawn agrees and then gapes in astonishment, as Brock declares that it's telepathy and Ash looks around him as if trying to spot this "telepathy" before realising what he meant. They ask where it came from and it tells them "from over there", and when Ash asks where "over there" is, it snaps back "I SAID OVER THERE!" and Ash grumbles back,"AND I SAID WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?!". Blushing, it tries to explain the human concept of directions in Pokemon terms - you go over there and then over there and then over there to get over there - before Brock notices that it is running a fever. They recall all of their Pokemon and take Shaymin to the Pokemon Centre, where Nurse Joy identifies it as "the gratitude Pokemon" while running expensive looking scans over it because the movie has a bigger animation budget.
Nurse Joy - wearing glasses! - tells them Shaymin will be fine, and then Brock - wearing glasses! - declares,"My name is Brock, the gratitude person!" and gets down on his knees and grabs Joy's hands as she refuses to turn her lower body in his direction and let him perve up her skirt. He asks her if she'll go out with him, he's grateful! They could just be friends STILL GRATEFUL but maybe...
Before he can ask if "maybe" he can stick it up her butt, Croagunk pounds his back and drags him away as Shaymin is wheeled out and doesn't act very grateful at all, something which Ash picks up immediately as Piplup tries to pose bravely and ends up falling over backwards and banging its head. Ash tries to be friendly and gets a face full of smoke from a burp after Dawn gave it a poffin, and Joy reveals this is called Seed Flare, and explains that it takes in pollutants and expels them as light and gas.
So... farts and burps?
Nurse Joy tells them that they're lucky that it didn't absorb too many toxins from their grill, since a Shaymin once destroyed a forest after absorbing too many toxins, and Shaymin tells them they should be saying thank you to it. Ash, who for once isn't automatically in love with the "new Pokemon of the day to sell as merchandise to the kids" grumpily tells it off and says it should be thanking THEM. Nurse Joy says Shaymin shouldn't be in this area, and Shaymin says it was tossed about all over the place then DEMANDS they take them to the flower garden. Nurse Joy explains that every year Shaymin gather together for the "Flower Bearing", a mass migration that creates a brand new garden wherever it starts from. Shaymin leaps onto Ash's head and forcibly turns it in the direction it wants to go, demanding they take it "over there". Having only just recently mocked Ash for not being able to fly, it snootily responds to his question of,"I thought you could fly?" by saying it can but not right now, while Dawn and Brock override him by saying they'll be pleased to help it.
And pleased to be helping themselves? Team Rocket!
Yes they're tucked away in a supply room listening in on this conversation, and quickly come to the conclusion that the Boss will be grateful with a gratitude Pokemon! So they'll gratefully help themselves to it as a gratuity! Wobbuffet happily and loudly agrees, and they're forced to muffle its enthusiasm.
The twerps leave the Pokemon Centre and Shaymin tosses Ash's head back and forth as it tries to figure out which way "over there" is. Dawn picks it up and it snuggles happily into her non-existant breasts as flowers form on its back, glowing prettily and-
in a dark nether dimension two levels of hell above the nightmare world where the bloated corpse of Rocketshipping lies dead, Giratina shifts it's head in the direction of Shaymin....
-leads them on through a park of interesting triangular sculptures, each of which shimmer and ripple within the reflections of their surfaces, Giratina seeking a way through into the "real" world. Shaymin senses it and leaps out of Dawn's arms, shouting in a panic that "they" are here, but when the twerps ask who "they" are, the answer they get is both wrong and right.
Because the other "they" is Team Rocket!
Yes, they've actually hit on a sensible plan with a high probability of success. Rather than build a giant robot or wear a terrible disguise, they just... pick Shaymin up and run away! The little guinea pig wiggles about upside down in James' hands as they giggle along chased by the twerps, but as they pass a large reflective surface, a distortion effect creates a whirlwind that sucks them into the Reverse World screaming quite disturbingly in horror. Dawn is able to grab Shaymin from them as they fall, but a fresh burst of "wind" catches up her, Shaymin, Piplup, Ash and Pikachu, dragging them inside and leaving behind Brock as the portal closes.
"But how?" asks Brock... because goddammit his agent promised him a bigger part this time!
Ash and Dawn land in the seemingly weightless reverse world, the "city" a bizarre twisted mirror image atop spires of land. A massive coil of horror twists past them - Giratina - and Shaymin cries out in fright, so Ash decides the best course of action to take in this bizarre dimension they find themselves in is to have his electric rat blast lightning at a colossal tentacled/beaked/insect-dragon hybrid abomination! Giratina appears to lose form at the last second, Thunderbolt passing harmlessly through it, but Piplup's Bubblebeam does score a hit, though it does no damage whatsoever. The young man seen earlier rushes up to them and warns them not to anger Giratina, his Shieldon blasting away a giant blast of blue fire from the monster and leading them down a path between the twisted houses of the "city", Giratina unable to follow through such a narrow path, peering after them with unknowable, maddening alien thoughts.
The twisted alleyway glows green in holes in the floor, the twerps bouncing comically due to the low gravity. When they emerge through the other side though, the gravity returns to normal, Piplup not realising till the last second as it happily "flies" through to the stairwell and then crashes into the ground, only saved from falling off of the side by Pikachu.
The man asks if they're okay once they reach the relative safety of another narrow, curved, half-completed hallway. He introduces him as Newton Graceland (YESSSS! That is such an awesome name! A name of science and ROCK'N'ROLL!) and tells them he is exploring Reverse World, talking himself up as the preeminent expert as Ash and Dawn exchange sarcastic looks over his "modesty".
Newton and his amish-beard reveals the reverse world is a distorted reflection of the "real" world, one that can only be crossed between by Giratina, which is the only Pokemon in that world and thus the "Master" of it.
So it's Reverse God? The Devil? Nothing so mundane as "simply" a God of Devil, this thing is kin to Cthulu and Yog-Soggoth, an elder God sleeping in the black forever of the void until some fool turned on a light. Newton perhaps? How did HE get into Reverse World? And if Giratina is the only Pokemon.... are there any people?
Shaymin doesn't care, it is just desperate to get to the Flower Garden. Newton hits a button and a ridiculously convuluted electronic device pops out on a spindly cable, and he leads them on telling them they "still have time". As they head on though, the twerps have forgotten (or simply do not care!) that they're not the only strangers there - Team Rocket fell through the mirror too!
The "zone" they're in appears to be one where the laws of physics/gravity do no apply, with Jesse standing on a sloped floor, James on a roof at a 45 degree angle and Meowth upside down on a set of stairs leading "up" to the floor Jesse is standing on. They manage to all end up on the same plane, then hear a screech from Giratina and see it's seemingly endless worm-like body glide by through the air, so far blessedly unaware of their existence.
Newton is explaining to them that he's been researching Reverse World for five years obsessively. They encounter a black cloud and Newton explains that imbalances in the real world cause a correction in the mirror world to maintain the balance. Piplup approaches too close and Newton warns not to breath it in, it's poisonous. As they continue on they see more clouds forming, and Newton explains that time and space as personified by Dialga and Palkia should never have encountered each other, and this created a gross imbalance which is now affecting the real world and thus creating toxic imbalances in the reverse world to maintain the balance. Giratina saw that Dialga and Palkia were responsible (Ash even demonstrates memory by actually remembering seeing the fight take place!) and has marked them for revenge - but when it seemed to have caught Dialga, Shaymin's Seed Flare allowed it to escape, which means that now the little guinea pig has been marked for death by the Black God of the Void!
As Newton tells them that Dialga trapped Giratina in the Reverse World, Ash spots a floating bubble showing Brock in the real world. He reaches out for it, popping the bubble and causing a burst of energy to smash Brock off of his feet in the real world. Newton warns them not to touch the bubbles, then brings them to another area of low gravity. As he jumps over though, Ash and Dawn spot Giratina snaking through the air beneath them.
Oh God it's like Jaws slipping underneath Quinn's boat!
Shaymin panicks and forces Ash to jump through the air, Giratina slipping effortlessly overhead and grabbing Shaymin off of his cap. They panic, but then Shaymin emerges from under Ash's cap and rather ungratefully tells them they need to get on the ball as the Shaymin in Giratina's mouth disappears - Shaymin had used Substitute! Newton leads them on to a exit point floating in the air - a way out but not a way in - and Piplup leaps through followed by Pikachu, Shaymin and then Dawn, each of them struggling through, Brock helping Dawn out. Amusingly, since she's coming out of a mirror she is reflected in it, and for some strange reason the camera shifts to the right the moment the mirror would have reflected her short skirt from the other side.
Cartoon Network gonna get some angry letters starting with,"I'm not a paedophile but speaking from an animation standpoint I feel it was a poor directing choice to..."
On the other side Ash asks if Newton is coming but he says he still has research to do, and shoves Ash through when he seems to freak out about the feel of travelling between dimensions. He warns them that Giratina can see into the real world and to beware of mirrors (Dawn is doomed), then steps back as the portal closes. But then he hears a shout and turns to see Team Rocket bounding through the low gravity screaming that they want to go home too! Jesse leaps through the air towards where the portal was, and Newton has to grab her leg to save her, causing her to swing down and crash face first into the rock before Newton can haul her back up to safety.
Giratina swoops overhead screeching, detected by Zero who wonders if Dialga is nearby. He asks the computer projection - Infi - if this is the case but she says Dialga isn't registering, so he asks for a scan of the area where Giratina is attempting to surface.
The twerps are trying to explain to Brock what happened when they see a distortion in the mirror and run away in fright, Brock demanding to know what the hell is going on. Zero spots Shaymin in Dawn's arms and seems to figure out what is going on, getting out of his chair and walking away as Infi tells him she will await his return.
Well, not like she's going anywhere.
The twerps have settled onto a park bench away from mirrors and explaining the basics of what is going on to Brock (one suspects Dawn would have done most of the talking), but this quickly degenerates into another slanging match between Ash and the ungrateful Gratitude Pokemon. As Shaymin again ends up twisting Ash's head in various directions to try and find "over there", Magnemite suddenly come sweeping in and surround them, then Magnetons, and then.... a fucking Magnezone!
Zero lowers in on some kind of glider, his costume looking less badass supervillain in the light of day and more like ridiculous Power Ranger Villain leftover. He wants Shaymin, which thinks Zero wants to eat it, and has Magnezone blast a burst of green energy at them which is cancelled out by Pikachu's Thundershock, stunning many of the Magnemite and allowing the twerps to run down a narrow alley, the "real" version of the twisted alley they fled through in Reverse World perhaps? Piplup uses Whirlwind on the Magnemite and they cheese it, followed by the swarm of Magnemites, Magnetons and the horrific Magnezone all the way to the train station where they lose them, the twerps having got onto the train (without paying?).
Stopping for a breather, Ash says there were "like a million of them" only to face a fresh attack when Shaymin jumps onto his shoulder, tells him that it is hungry and tries to tear his ear off - either to direct him to the food or so it can eat his ear.
It wants "whatever we had this morning", but Brock says they're all out of pancakes, so Dawn gives it a poffin and it leaps into her hands and tells her she is nicer than Ash, then burps in his face when he tries to punch it in its little guinea pig face.
As Dawn takes it away, Ash and Brock finally reach a realisation - they don't know where the hell they're going? They head down into the passenger car where they discover Shaymin is being cooed over by the other passengers, not that there are many, apparently the rail network isn't exactly a raging success in this part of the world. A young man and his pretty wife are particularly interested, the woman holding Shaymin and allowing it to curl up comfortably since unlike Dawn she actually has breasts, flowering on its back in pleasure....
...and in the Reverse World, Shaymin senses it and shifts in its direction. Newton bounds after it, followed reluctantly by Team Rocket who want to get out but really don't want to follow this mindbending abomination about.
The wife notices that the flowers in her husband's lap seem identical to Shaymin, and a fat lady tells Dawn they're Gracadia Flowers, which are a popular flower because of their resemblence to Shaymin, the Pokemon that until this movie no one has ever heard of but turns out to be well known and a part of the culture of the area! They pass through a tunnel, and the light inside the train reflects off of the window and the darkness of the tunnel inside, creating a reflection in the glass.... and a way in for Giratina. As the couple are explaining that they are taking the flowers to the woman's Great Grandmother for her 100th birthday, pollen from the flowers reaches Shaymin's nose and it sniffs them, then suddenly glows golden, a burst of light illuminating Giratina's face for just the briefest of seconds in the reflection of the glass before the train comes out of the tunnel and it is gone.... and so Shaymin!
In a manner of speaking.
Oh God before it was an asshole but could get away with it because it was a fat cute guinea pig. Now it looks like a smirking asshole midget reindeer. The couple explain that this is Shaymin's Sky Form, which it changes into when it comes into contact with Gracadia Flowers. The fat lady tells the twerps where to find a garden of the flowers, by transferring from the train to boat and sailing up to the garden where the other Shaymin are waiting. But as Shaymin celebrates the fact it can fly to the garden pretty much any time it wants to now, Magnazone and its posse arrive on the scene, and it's RUMBLE TIME!
Shaymin, Pikachu and Piplup go to town, the close quarters working to their advantage as they absolutely hammer the shit out of Magnemites and Magneton, Magnazone unable to get into the train due to its size, and the three little Pokemon humiliate them with an asskicking, booting them out of the train and sending them running. They jump about in celebration.... and then Maganzone bursts its way into the window, getting caught in the frame and looking absolutely fucking furious. It's trapped though, and the three Pokemon blast it as it struggles to get through, finally knocking it clear just as they enter yet another tunnel, the poor train driver probably wondering what the fuck is going on.
It's a bad day to be a Magnemite.
They get off the train at the next stop and wave goodbye to their new acquaintances as they board a boat to travel up the river. As they continue on, Zero returns to his flying fortress and asks Infi to locate the next location Giratina is expected to surface. On the boat, the twerps are ignoring the absolutely breathtaking view as they travel upriver to read all about the absolutely breathtaking view as they sail upriver. It seems the lake was formed by a glacier, and there is actually glacier beneath the garden they'll be going to. They spot some Pokemon swimming and watch in delight, Shaymin suddenly launching into the air and flying high, high, higher, higher, so high it's almost as high as that little Pidgey that wanted to fly to the moon! Then it divebombs back down and pulls up just over the boat, enjoying showing off which of course causes Piplup to want to show off too. It leaps out of the boat and flaps its little stubby wings as furiously as it can before plummeting into the water and kicking about in a panic until it remembers it is a Water Pokemon and can swim! Then it enjoys darting about just like Shaymin did above the water, the two darting about until Ash figures out a way to let Pikachu fly too, sending out Staravia to carry Pikachu on its back and fly them about Shaymind, before they swoop down to the water level where once again Piplup struggles valiantly and futilely to fly with them.
Shaymin flies through the waterfall which splashes Ash, followed by Staravia and Pikachu... which also splashes Ash! Shaymin tries to grab Ash by the ear and drag him up into the air to fly him about as well, but he's too heavy and just ends up with a sore ear and wet hair. As it flies off, they mention how happy it is, just like it will be at the garden with its friends, though this means that will be the last they see of it. Ash seems sad for a moment, then pulls his cap on over his wet hair and says it will be kind of a relief, so Dawn kicks him directly under the kneecap causing him to scream in crippling pain and hop about.
Haha.
In the foggy, cloudy reaches of the air, Zero's flying fortress moves through the clouds, while Zero watches an old video of him and.... Newton! They're in the Reverse World, where Newton was almost killed by Giratina swooping overhead, and back in the present watching, Zero smirks gloriously smugly, saying that Reverse World is almost his. Infi tells him that Giratina has surfaced again, and back at the boat, the setting sun and glacial waters of the river have created a reflection in the surface that allows Giratina to tear open a hole into the world once again, sucking the twerps (this time Brock gets to come along too!) in along with Shaymin, Piplup, Pikachu and Staravia. Zero and his Magnetic Posse float down from on high and follow through as the tear closes.
Inside Reverse World, Ash manages to prevent Dawn and Brock pitching over the side into oblivion, and then Giratina snakes past, quick to be gone but seemingly endless. It is blasted by a burst of energy, Shaymin is challenging Giratina to a rumble!
That's.... that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Unsurprisingly, Ash thinks it is a great idea.
Shaymin blasts Giratina which.... essentially gives no fuck.... and so Pikachu is left to try and pull its fat out of the fire by blasting it, which does little more than make it turn the eternal horror of its endless gaze onto Pikachu.
Yeah I'd pretty much be shitting my pants about now if I was Pikachu.
They regather and Shaymin charges, but as it does the sun sets in the real world, and Shaymin's Sky Form ends, turning it into a guinea pig once again and leaving it to plummet squeaking through the air, saved by Staravia and Pikachu.
Bad news Shaymin, Giratina would like to take you up on your offer for a rumble.
In terror it leaps off of Staravia's back and crashes into Ash's face, and they cheese it together, Dawn telling Ash to run faster. When he asks why she's always on him when they're running, and she mumbles so they can be eaten together. Pikachu Thunderbolts in front of Giratina and dodges a blast of blue despair in response, and then Newton calls out to the twerps, standing directly above them... upside down! The weird physics of Reverse World only momentarily give the twerps pause now, though Brock does seem confused by Ash and Dawn seemingly knowing Newton, apparently they didn't tell him about Newton.... and apparently Brock is jealous!
They run up..... down..... I think..... and then into a cave, Giratina's massive head looking in after them and then flying away as Shaymin moans that it wants to get to the Flower Garden, all of its confidence removed now that it is out of Sky Form. Elsewhere, Zero stands in Sky World and sighs in pleasure, he's finally returned "home", a place free of people and things, sweet blessed nihilism!
Deeper in the tunnel, Newton brings the twerps into a larger cave where Team Rocket scurry up to him with pathetic gratitude clutching water, a hot towel and a.... cup of coffee? They have become his "top students", in that they go and find him stuff because they don't have anything better to do and he seems to know how to not be dead in this weird place.
Shaymin scurries up to Meowth and rather abruptly tells him to "give me food", irritating Meowth who doesn't find the whole flowery guinea pig thing cute, so it burps into his face.
HIS assistant?
It seems that once Zero found out about Reverse World, he wanted it for himself, so he went ahead and jumped from research assistant to super villain flying around inside a giant billion dollar flying fortress. He has his Magnemites spin about one of the poison clouds, telling Newton that the people of the "real" world damage this place, while Newton argues that this is the entire purpose of Reverse World. Zero wants things to be different though, and has the Magnemites direct the cloud over the twerps, forcing Shaymin to suck in the toxins to save them.... because when Shaymin uses Seed Flare it will open a way into the real world that Giratina can travel through.
But as he spouts on all this, Giratina simply flies around battering the crap out of the Magnemites, and Newton realises that it was never trying to eat Shaymin at all. Shaymin doesn't know that though, and when it sees Giratina coming for it, it releases a massive blast of Seed Flare.... with explosive results!
A hole is torn into Real World, sucking Shaymin, the twerps, and Newton into it, while Zero cries out for Giratina to follow.
In the real world, Brock realises they've are the glacier, while Newton tells Shaymin that it only wanted Shaymin to use Seed Flare so it could come into the real world, and now it has.... and it looks different now, perhaps due to the gravity change, more like a dragon than a horrific abomination of a dragon insect, tentacled snake hybrid.
And then Zero shoots it.
Or rather his huge Flying Fortress does, swooping in out of the low-lying mists of the glacier and blasting a massive burst of red energy into Giratina's back. A giant cage extends from the fortress and wraps itself around Giratina, hauling it up and away followed by Zero who leaps up onto it, all of them carried back into the fortress where Zero learns from Infi that Giratina is now capable of travelling between Reverse World and the Real World again, the effects of the Time Loop now broken. He orders a scan of the monstrosity, and as the sun rises the twerps watch Giratina writhing in pain as the machine scans it.
Newton admits sadly that he designed the fortress, specifically for the purpose of taking Giratina's ability to move between the worlds for himself. But when he realised that this would kill Giratina, he scrapped the project and destroyed the plans, despite the protests of his assistant Zero, not knowing that Zero had evidently memorised the plans himself and now plans to gain the powers of the Elder God of the Nether Dimension for himself.
Wow, what an asshole.
Newton runs to Zero's flying scooter.... thing.... yeah.... and jumps on, Ash and Dawn saying they're coming with him, Pikachu and Piplup jump on as well. Shaymin glows gold and turns into its Sky Form again, and Brock is the first to notice they're standing next to a giant fuck off garden full of Gracadia Flowers, they've finally reached the Flower Garden. It leaps into the air and says it is going ahead, and Newton, Ash and Dawn follow, meaning everyone but Brock is going!
Maganazone and its posse swoop in to attack Shaymin and the twerps, which can only prove freshly humiliating as they get their asses handed to them by an Amish Tramper/Scientist, two ten year old kids, an electric rat, grumpy penguin and arrogant jackoff of a green-haired midget reindeer.
Ash tries to blast through the cage around Giratina to no avail, and Newtn figures he'll have to get inside to do it. Ash catches Shaymin as it is blasted out of the air, and Newton lands and decides it is about time he lived up to the good name of Amish-Bearded Scientists everywhere and show a little of the action which they're so well known for - time to make Action University Des Moines proud!
They rush inside as the twerps hold off the Magnemites, the scan now 50% complete, halfway to the death of a God. Outside, the twerps have called out their Pokemon to throw down in a giant fucking war, while the scan reaches 69% and all manner of terribly asinine jokes. Newton reaches what he seems to have thought would be the control room, only to find a large number of monitors and a mocking Zero telling him he can only watch Zero's dream come true.
Newton ain't having that though, settling down with his ridiculous cable shoulder-arms and "hacking the system" because he's the one who designed it (but he didn't build it....) and then dramatically hitting one last button at 99% scanning completion. Giratina's free!
Now the soul-eating begins!
But before anyone can be devoured alive and screaming in a second that lasts an eternity, Newton runs out to warn them that the only way to shut down the system was to shut down the fortress, and now it's going to crash! Crash into Brock!
Getting onto the flying scooter, Newton and the twerps watch in alarm as Giratina falls out of the remains of its cage into the glacier lake, and then the fortress crashes down against the mountain wall, dragging along over the tree tops and then though them, leaving a swath of destruction as it comes to a grinding, screaming halt.
Giratina crawls out of the water looking bedraggled and half dead, pitching over on its side and collapsing as Brock rejoins the others. Pikachu and Piplup rush up to check on it, but it seems they're too late, Giratina is dead.... or not quite, it still breathes shallowly, barely registering their calls to it. Shaymin flies up onto its body and uses Aromatherapy as the Pokemon of the forest approach, either scared out by the crashing Fortress or enthralled by the glowing light and the heaving breath of a dying eldritch horror.
There's even a horny Ursaring watching from a safe distance!
Shaymin finally tuckers itself out, but as it struggles to catch its breath, Giratina hauls itself up to its massive feet, spreads it bat wings and lets out an unearthly screech as the twerps try to figure out if its going to be grateful or burn their minds out and leave their bodies empty walking husks.
But as Giratina seems to at least tolerate their presence, they celebrate, which is soon cut short as a portion of the fortress that fell clear into the water before the rest crashes re-emerges, Zero's escape craft, a sleek dangerous looking ship that he means to use to take his revenge. He blasts at Giratina which smashes the fire out of the air, and the twerps' Pokemon blast at the ship, infuriating the anti-social Zero who turns the ship around and flies.... into Reverse World! The 99% scan was enough, he can now access Reverse World.
Once there, Team Rocket spot him and call out for help.... as long as whoever is inside isn't worse than them! Zero doesn't even notice them, spotting a floating crystal containing an image of Newton, the twerps and Shaymin. He flies through it, and in the real world they're sent sprawling by the corresponding correction. Giratina figures out what is going on and flies into the air, creating a portal to the reverse world and flying through, followed by Ash and Shaymin on Zero's air-scooter. But while it seems like they're flying into danger, it's much worse for those left behind, as Zero blasts his ship through a series of crystal pillars in Reverse World that corresponds to.... the glacier!
Ohhhhh fuuuuuck!
And believe it or not, Gentle Dodgers, that's when things get REALLY weird.
High up in the mountain buried deep behind the glacier sits an ancient temple, and as the ice shifts, inside SOMETHING inexorably ancient feels the shift and awakens.... a good thing? A bad thing? Only time will tell.
Newton, Dawn and Ash are horrified to see the Glacier beginning to move towards them, a manic Zero reveling in it all until his plan hits a slight flaw..... namely Giratina blasting his ship with a giant burst of fire. Ash, Shaymin and Pikachu attack as well (well, not Ash!) and Ash shouts at him to stop, but Zero insists he is "protecting" Reverse World, which doesn't seem to sit too well with Giratina.
Back in the real world, Dawn has Buneary and Swinub help the other Pokemon pause the unstoppable onward flow of the glacier with Ice-Beams, while in the Reverse World Giratina and Zero's Ship duke it out with similar powers, Giratina assisted by Ash's Pokemon as they try to blast him out of the sky.
In the real world, the Glacier smashes through the ice, and Newton tells Dawn there is more than just the flower garden to worry about, the towns and villages lying further down the path will be crushed and destroyed as well, and the ineffectual beams of the little Pokemon will do little to.... and then an ancient robot computer artificial intelligence brings a herd of ice-buffalo to save the day!
Never thought I'd write that.
In Reverse World, Giratina is entombed in ice by Zero's Ship, while the robotic behemoth has been revealed as an ancient Regigigas, which leads a giant herd of Mamoswine to physically stand between the glacier and the Flower Garden. Even they can't hold it forever though, until Regigigas blasts waves of energe out of its body into the glacier, pushing it back as in Reverse World the shattered crytal pillar begins to stitch itself back together. Zero doesn't notice though, too busy preparing to deal the killing blow to Giratina, while Team Rocket watch from a distance, pessimistically realising that Zero probably isn't going to save them anytime soon.
Ash distracts him with another blast and gets knocked onto the roof of the ship for his troubles, narrowly avoiding metal claws but having to recall Turtwig and Chimchar who were caught by them. Zero opens his cockpit and tells them that he isn't destroying Reverse World, the "Real World" is, then turns them to face a giant toxic cloud, telling them that this is all the proof that he needs, then sails the ship into the cloud as he closes the cockpit, leaving Ash inside the poison atmosphere. Shaymin absorbs the toxic gas and Ash tells it to use Seed Flare to knock Zero back into the Real World, but before it can Zero attempts to grab it with a metal claw (how would that stop Seed Flare?), which Pikachu zaps aside. Realising he can just pitch the ship to the side and knock them clear, Zero tries to do this only to be jarred to a halt, and he realises he has flown too close to Giratina, which has grabbed the ship, so he..... fires the engines at full blast directly into Giratina's face!
Well.... he certainly is a man who knows what he wants!
But this has proved enough of a distraction, and Shaymin uses Seed Flare, releasing the energy before Zero can fire a blast at it, tearing open a hole into the real world which tries to suck everything in, including Team Rocket and James' painted on pants, the seat of which the animators have evidently put a great deal of loving care into drawing.
The portal opens above the glacier and Giratina blasts Zero's ship as it lets it go, forcing to fly out and through, tearing apart as it does and crashing to a halt beside Regigigas, and then Dawn DELIBERATELY has her Pokemon ENTOMB THE SHIP WITH ZERO INSIDE INTO THE GLACIER!
Holy shit, bitch is hardcore.
Inside, Zero tells Infi to check the records on Giratina, but Infi can't find it, all systems are down, records cannot be recalled, all systems dow-
If Infi had ever been alive, she'd be dead now.
Just like Zero will soon be, thanks to Dawn.... goddamn that was colder than the glacier!
The portal closes with Ash and Pikachu still inside, while Shaymin reacts to the cold by returns to its guinea pig form. In Reverse World, Giratina flies around the shattered crystal pillar and restores it, halting the forward momentum of the glacier in the real world and leaving a giant reflective mirror sitting motionless. And where there's a reflection, Giratina can emerge! Ash and Pikachu are thus given the once in an eon chance to be taken for a free and willing ride on the back of one of the unfathomable eldritch horrors of the time before there was time, before leaving him and flying off into the distance, leaving Newton to wonder if it has sensed Dialga nearby.
As dawn comes in, more Shaymin arrive snuffling through the flowers, the sun causing the flowers to open, creating a beautiful carper of pink as far as the eye can see. Ash says it is great to see this place, and Shaymin asks if this means he is grateful.... and he is! So it finally tells him that it is grateful to him as well, as the pollen of the flowers cause the Shaymin to transform into their Sky Forms and fly around. A crying Shaymin tells them it will never forget them and then transforms itself, joining the others in flying through the sky amongst the petals of the flowers, whipping up the petals in a frenzy around the delighted twerps before flying away.
Dawn tells Ash it is the Sky Bouquet and he seems to take just a little too long to figure out what the hell she is talking about, and then their Shaymin leads the others away like Santa's Reindeer. Dawn calls out to them to make a pretty garden which may or may not be a euphemism for an orgy, and Ash says he hopes to see it aga.... then has to struggle to blink back tears as Dawn almost seems embarassed for him.
And that's where the movie ends, Gentle Dodgers. That leaves alot of question, certainly, like what happened to Zero? Did Giratina find Dialga? What about Palkia? And what did it do if it did? Did Regigigas return to its ancient temple home?
Well if you want answers to those questions, you won't get them here - some or all of them might be answered in the closing credits though, so your cheap ass better buy the DVD. Until then, remember the important message of this movie.
You can be a Super Villain with a billion dollar fortress, steal the powers of an Elder God and have access to the underworld nether dimension that holds up our own.... but it can all fall apart in the time it takes a chubby guinea pig to fart.
It happened to Hitler, it could happen to you!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "My name is Brock, the gratitude person!"
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