650: The Semi-Final Frontier!
Dodgy Synopsis
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656: Shin'o Rigu Junkessho! Dakurai Tojo!
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Tobias opens with.... Darkrai, of course! Dawn checks it out with her Pokedex while Jesse has to convince James and Meowth not to stop to watch the match, trying to get them back into the selling mood.
If Ash is intimidated by Darkrai..... nah of course he's not, he's too stupid to be! He happily looks over Darkrai and then sends out his choice to fight it.... Bulbasaur's nightmare - Heracross! Brock says it's a good matchup since Heracross is a Bug Type, and it opens with Hyper-Beam, which Darkrai instantly counters with Ice Beam. Heracross dives in with a Horn Attack but Darkrai captures and brakes Heracross with a Dark Ball that puts Heracross asleep, but Ash has Heracross use Sleep Talk enabling it to continue using moves and it scores a direct shot with Mega-Horn! Darkrai comes straight back with a Dream Eater attack though and.... Heracross is down!
Tobias smirks and actually speaks; telling Ash he'll need more than type advantage to beat Darkrai. Up in the stands, Jesse is still trying to convince James and Meowth to sell when they're swarmed with customers wanting Darkrai merchandise.
Ash recalls Heracross and sends out... Torkoal! The emotional turtle is back and ready to fight! It opens with Flamethrower but Darkrai blasts right through that with Dark Pulse and.... knocks it out! Laaaaaaaaaame, Torkoal only got to come back for like three seconds!
Goddammit it's only been a few minutes but fuck Tobias and fuck Darkrai, this is like playing a game against some gameshark using asshole who has hacked the stats on a cheated Legendary and one shots every Pokémon in a lame and boring overwhelm "strategy" that completely removes any and all actual excitement, energy or sense of fun from the battle. After Ash's amazing contest against Paul if he gets beaten by this turd...... ughhhhhh.
Ash's next Pokémon is Gible, which is too uncomprehending to know that Darkrai is pantshittingly terrifying. Darkrai zooms straight in and Gible smashes it in the jaw with a full force Rock Smash attack, sending it flying backwards. Tobias has it use Ice Beam but Gible rushes away and fires a Draco Meteor up into the air.... and it works! Meteors crash down all over the Grass Field as Darkrai dodges between them, moving fast to escape the high-area attack, leaping up into the air and smashing the ground in front of Gible with a Dark Pulse, sending the little landshark tumbling backwards..... and knocking it out?
Up in the stands, Meowth is pulling for Ash to make a comeback. Jesse demands to know when he crossed behind twerp-enemy lines and Meowth explains that it is simple Reagonomics - the twerp has beaten the pants of them many times, Darkrai is beating the pants of the twerp, therefore trickledown theory proves that if Tobias beats Ash, then they didn't deserve to have pants in the first place! .....makes about as much sense as Reagonomics I guess!
Tobias calls out to Ash to tell him that he must give him credit for his performance so far, Draco Meteor would have defeated any Pokémon EXCEPT for Darkrai. Ash retorts that he's only getting started, and his next Pokémon out is.... CLINT FUCKING EASTWOOD! YES! SCEPTILE IS BACK!
Darkrai uses Ice Beam, but Sceptile avoids it with Quick Attack and comes straight at Darkrai... but misses! It tries to use Leaf Storm but Darkrai scores a direct shot with Ice Beam and Sceptile is sent blasting back and drops to a knee. Tobias grunts that Ash's plan to overpower Darkrai won't work because apparently his Pokémon is faster and stronger and better than.... GODDAMMIT HOW FUCKING BORING IS THIS SHIT!?!?!
Darkrai blasts Sceptile in the face with Dark Ball and puts it to sleep, then uses Dream Eater and enters Sceptile's dreams, a nightmare that it can't escape, another easy and boring victory for Darkr-
CLINT FUCKING EASTWOOD!
Hearing Ash calling out to from deep within its nightmare, Sceptile follows the sound of the voice out into "the light" and emerges in the waking world, shaking off the attack and actually shocking Tobias. It fires up a Leafblade and CUTS DIRECTLY THROUGH DARKRAI! Slashing blades of leaves slice open Darkrai's belly and cut through it's back, the Pokémon with No Name (well okay it has a name) seeing Lee Van Cleef's face all over Darkrai and putting paid to it in best Clint Eastwood fashion! Darkrai takes the attacks, Darkrai absorbs the attacks and..... DARKRAI FALLS!
TAKE THAT YOU HACKING PIECE OF SHIT!
Darkrai is unable to battle and Sceptile wins the battle, Darkrai is defeated for the first time in the entire Championship and now Tobias has to use one of his other five Pokémon. He recalls Darkrai, looks up at Ash and says that he has certainly proved he deserves a place in the Semi-Finals as he uses his second Pokémon for the first time - a Latios!
Ash is too dumb to be intimidated and has Sceptile use Leaf blade, but Latios comes back with Giga Impact and completely blasts through the attack, knocking Sceptile with one shot because Tobias is a useless piece of shit asshole who stacks his team with overpowered legendaries and super rare Pokémon hacked to shit with over the top stats and then walks over his "competitors" and pretends it is in any way based on skill or strategy.
Ash won't back down though and sends in Swellow, the angry Scottish drunkard Pokémon! Both Pokémon scream at each other and begin zooming about the sky backwards and forwards, darting in and out, looping back and forth before Swellow heads for the ground and then zips back up with Aerial Ace, disappearing into the light of the sun and coming back down fast.... and Latios blasts it out of the sky with Luster Purge and knocks it ou.... oh fuck this utter bullshit, this stupid fucking useless lame-ass SHIT!
So it's down to Ash's last Pokémon against Tobias' overpowered hacked up five. So Ash goes with the closest thing he has at the moment (without Charizard) to an overpowered hacked Pokémon - Pikachu! It is able to score a glancing blow with Quick Attack but its Iron Tail is countered with Giga-Impact. Jesse thinks this is it for Ash but Meowth confidently proclaims that nobody knows better than them how powerful Pikachu is. It tries another Iron Tail against Giga Impact but it makes no impact whatsoever and Pikachu is hurt in the effort, and Tobias confidently proclaims it's time to end this with Luster Purge. Latios flies down and blasts the attack at Pikachu and Ash.... has an idea!
YOU HEAR THAT YOU HACKING PIECE OF SHIT!?! HE HAS AN IDEA! THAT'S A THING WHERE YOU ADAPT AND CHANGE UP YOUR STRATEGY BECAUSE YOU ARE ACTUALLY THINKING AND DOING THINGS RATHER THAN JUST HACKING UP SOME LEGENDARIES AND ONE-SHOTTING EVERYTHING AND CALLING IT "SKILL"!
Pikachu dodges the attack, jumping up and landing on Latios' back, refusing to let go as Latios flies through the air, blasting a point blank attack of Thunderbolt. Latios tries to shake Pikachu clear but it just blasts it with Thunderbolt again.... but this time Tobias has Latios use Light Screen to cut the impact of the attack while trying to shake Pikachu clear. Ash has Pikachu blast Latios again and again to try and wear out the Light Screen, while Tobias is getting infuriated that he actually has to employ strategy and tactics now rather than just one-shotting and getting his "victory". He has Latios ascend to the sky as Pikachu finally blasts through the Light Screen, and then descend immediately.... leaving Pikachu behind!
Okay that's just straight up murder.
Pikachu falls towards the battlefield far below while Latios fires up another Lustre Purge.... and Ash has Pikachu use Volt Tackle! It stops its downward momentum and shoots straight at Latios, smashing through the Lustre Purge and getting closer and closer to Latios, but also slowing down as it gets closer and closer..... and then Ash has it use Iron Tail and.... BLAM! RIGHT IN LATIOS' MOTHERFUCKING FACE! A huge smokey explosion blasts up the entire arena and actually cuts the feed to the giant television screen outside, leaving only those in the Arena to see what happens next as the smoke clears to reveal..... ahhhhhh shit!
Both Pokémon are out, so while Tobias' hacked to fuck Latios is out, all of Ash's Pokémon are now defeated and so Tobias is declared the inevitable "winner" despite being an utter piece of shit cheating fucking CUNT!
Surprisingly, somewhere where he can still see what is happening Paul has been watching the battle despite claiming he would leave after the last battle. He doesn't say anything or convey any emotion, just turns and walks away after seeing Ash lose.
Tobias approaches Ash as he is picking up Pikachu and congratulates him on a good battle, thanking him for it. Ash is gracious in defeat, perhaps because it's the first time he ever made it to the top four of a REAL Championship (Orange Islands don't count, folks!), perhaps because he held his own against a hacking piece of shit? Who knows. Up in the stands, Team Rocket are sad to see their mortal enemy defeated by somebody else, but quickly get their heads back in the game as their customers point out they've been waiting a long time for their service now!
In any case, it's inevitable that at the utterly unexciting final, Tobias defeats his nameless opponent with ONLY his Darkrai, hacking his way to a meaningless victory that is completely hollow and empty because he didn't actually do anything to earn it in any way. Up in the stands the twerps cheer for him because it's the done thing to do, even though unlike all the other spoilers who wrecked Ash's dreams in previous Tournaments this guy didn't actually do anything to endear himself to anyone or show any reason to consider him an actual good person who deserves his victory based on hardwork, clever team use, well trained Pokémon or tactics - he just hacked his way to a boring and uninspiring victory. Awarded the trophy by Cynthia and Mr. Goodshow, Tobias joins them in watching the giant flame extinguished which signifies an end to the Sinnoh League Championship. Despite the name of the series, neither Ash nor Dawn were Sinnoh League Victors - but the next day outside the now deserted arena neither of them seem particularly down. They agree that they've both got work to do to become a Pokémon Master/Top Coordinator respectively, and Brock watches them, happy that they're both still willing to move forward and work to achieve their goals (rather than just lamely hacking their way to hollow victories)... but he does wonder, what about him? What the hell is HE doing with his life?
Brock's introspection is broken by crazy ass Barry rushing up and shouting at Ash that he might be a TEEEEEENSY bit stronger than him but he'll need to be even stronger because Barry intends to kick his ass the next time they have a match, then runs away like the gloriously crazy ass fuck he is..... and that is it, that's the end of the Sinnoh League, Gentle Dodgers. The season isn't quite done yet but the meat of it is over now, and it was handled amazingly well all the way up to this last episode where Tobias just ruined the fuck out it. Still, Ash defeated Paul in an incredible match that was the REAL Final since it was last time we saw top trainers go at each other on a level footing with REAL Pokémon that were actually trained and practised rather than just inputting a code into a gameshark. Dawn got further than she really had any right to in her FIRST Grand Festival, and now the only question is where to now? The Sinnoh arc is almost over, who will stay and who will go when they move on to the next one? Have we seen the last of Dawn? Will Brock stick around? Will we discover that Tobias only had two Pokémon and it was technically a draw (Nah, we'll probably never see Tobias ever again EVER)? Will Barry stick around? Will Paul? Will Zoey ever get to ride Dawn's face like a bucking bronco? Only time will tell, because for now, this one is....
| BEST QUOTES |
 "The trickledown theory proves we don't deserve to have pants in da first place!" |
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