ENGLISH NAME	JAPANESE NAME	POKEMOPOLIS NAME	DODGINESS RATING	ANIMATION	STORY	TEAM ROCKET	MORAL LEARNT
002: Pokémon Emergency	002: Taiketsu! Pockemon Sentaa!	TEAM ROCKET! KOFFING! THE FIRST TIME!			Better than the first one	Here comes the Rocket Gang!	Koffing!

Well, on our last (and first!) adventure we were introduced to our, ahem, hero, Ash Ketchum and his cute little Pokemon, Pikachu. Pikachu wasn't exactly chuffed to be straddled with the bastard child of Professor Oak as a Trainer, but following a misunderstanding with some Spearow's, a dunk in a river, a bicycle ride, an electrifying battle with aforementioned Spearow's and some other life endangering activities, Pikachu has come to appreciate that Ash is, if not the most intelligent of Trainers, then one of the most bullheaded and stubborn. Unfortunately, in the course of this male bonding, Pikachu also got the shit royally kicked out of it, and now Ash has to get it to the nearest Pokemon Centre to help fix it up. So we have our, ahem, 'hero' and we have a goal and we even have a possible love interest (in young smitten Misty, whose bike Ash stole and destroyed) but we're lacking something all gone stories need, we need a Nemesis.

A Villain.

Baddies.

Hopefully, this episode will sort that out with a....



The scene is set, a fairly well to do town, basking in the last rays of the sun, peace broken only by the voice of local Police Officer Jenny warning off Pokemon Thieves in the area. Citizens of Veridian City are encouraged to report all suspicious strangers and activities, just like The Hitler Youth in 1938.

Sniff, brings a tear to our eye.

Anyway, the unusually cheerful Officer notes a stranger approaching in the distance, clutching an injured Pikachu to his scrawny little chest. He's young, maybe ten years old, a stranger, alone so probably an orphan with no parents to get in the way..... hmmm, here's a young kid that the lazy Officer Jenny can use as a scapegoat to make her look good in front of the townspeople!

As Ash runs by, she reaches out and grabs him by the collar, hauling him back and demanding to know where he's going with that Pokemon.
"It's mine!" snaps Ash forcefully, still feeling like The Man after his confrontation with The Spearow's, "And I'm taking it to be healed."

Officer Jenny, too lazy to actually get into a confrontation with anyone, instantly becomes apologetic, claiming she thought he was a Pokemon Thief.

Why she would think this when the wanted poster behind her shows two completely different looking people to Ash is clear, she's lazy and not a little corrupt and she wants an easy bust. She asks Ash for his i.d, much like a Nazi asking for a poor citizen's papers, but Ash cannot comply, he doesn't carry i.d, he's just a ten year old bastard child. He tells her he's just a kid from Pallet and she remarks that he is the fourth Pokemon Trainer to come through from Pallet today, making it clear that Gary has already been through. Ash shouldn't feel so bad, though, after all, Gary has a car and cheerleaders, all Ash had was a pair of rubber gloves and a stolen bike.

Jenny spots Ash's Pokedex and snatches it from his hand like a greedy politician and activates it. Dexter then informs Jenny that Ash is indeed who he says he is, and Jenny is now more than willing to help out.

Why so willing to help now, Officer Jenny? Could it be because Dexter informed you it was programmed for Ash by rich socialite and Scientist Professor Oak? The Corrupt are always trying to grease up to the rich and important, and this blue haired bimbo is no different. She drops Ash into the side-car of her bike and they zoom off leaving behind a black cloud of environmentally unsound gas fumes which choke the young red-head carrying the molten slag remains of her bicycle on her back.
"Hey what's the big idea!" growls Misty angrily, and gives chase on foot.

Meanwhile, we cut back to the wanted poster showing the two Pokemon Thieves. One is male, the other female, the former has blue hair and a rose and appears to be preening for the camera, the other has long, luxuriant red hair and is pushing the camera out of her face.

So then, what can we ascertain from this? Obviously the blue haired, rose-carrying thief loves the limelight and tries to be as dramatic as possible, his love of theatre, the rose he carries, his handsome profile all indicates that he is possibly gay, although it's far too soon in the series to know for sure....

The red-headed female looks like she's in charge, she dictates the terms of her life and she will brook no foolishness from anybody, she takes what she wants when she wants, and with a body like hers, who would refuse her.

Well, the blue haired guy would, but that's a story for another day.

A small fishing line comes down and pulls the wanted poster off the board, bringing it up, up and up to the giant Hot Air Balloon flying overhead, shaped in the form of some kind of Cat-Type Pokemon.
"A wanted poster," says the red-head, "How flattering."
"Flattering!" grumbles the blue-haired male,"This picture makes me look terrible!"
"Then you should be happy, the photographer captured the real you."
"Exactly."
"We'll show these bumpkins."
"The people of Veridian City will be sorry they ever saw this face."

That. was. terrible.

What the hell was that, that was the most lame, pathetic, amateurish display of supposed villainy we have ever seen. They strike us as try-hards, pathetic losers trying to be scary. But fear not, Dodgers, for things do get better. Much, much, much better. It's early in the series yet.

Anyway, the awful dialogue is interrupted by a big Buddha-like face zooming into shot, eyes opening to reveal it's the same Cat-Type which the balloon is based on.
"We're all sorry to see your face," snaps the cat, "We're here to capture rare and unusual Pokemon, don't forget that."
"We know," says the red-head.
"You got it," acknowledges blue-boy.
"And just remember who is the top cat, MEOOWWTH!"
So his name is Meowth, okay, fine, but that voice... that voice! Ugh! It sends a shiver down our spines!

Officer Jenny drives Ash to a gigantic Pokemon Centre and, being too lazy to actually go up the drive-way or get off and walk, zooms her bike up over the steps, slides through the opening doors and stops right beside the Nurse. She's all action, calling for her Chansey's (Pink, Egg-Type Pokemon) to come with a stretcher. Ash lays Pikachu down on it and The Nurse first tells Ash that it will be okay, then tells her Chansey's to take Pikachu to the Critical Care Unit!

Man, right in front of him too.

She then admonishes Ash for being such a bad trainer, letting his Pokemon fight till it was in such a condition. Ash tries to tell her what happened but, almost like an angry mother, she will not hear reason. He's left by himself in the waiting room to stew in his own juices (that's a nasty thought) and as the clock ticks by, a green Pidgey emerges and appears to be saying, "Bullshit! bullshit! bullshit! bullshit!"

Well, whatever gets you going.

Noting the phones, Ash decides to call home, where Mrs Ketchum answers fresh out of the shower, dressed only in a towel and bath-robe.

The question is, was she showering alone? The answer, coming very soon!

He tells her she's in Veridian City and she excitedly tells him that it took his father 4 days to make it there when he was first starting as a Pokemon Trainer. She then informs him that his Dad will be so proud and that he's the apple of his eye.

AHA!

So, if Ash's Dad is still about, Mrs. Ketchum, then why does he not appear for the rest of the series!?! One would assume he is dead, but you speak of him in the present tense AND with too much love to have divorced him SO the only obvious explanation is Ash's father is still alive, he's still living in Pallet and Mrs. Ketchum is going to go and talk to him right away about THEIR son. And lo and behold, who should ring not 35 seconds later (after taking the time to get dressed, obviously) but Ash's true father, one PROFESSOR OAK! When Ash asks how he knew he was there The Professor fobs it off by saying she just rang him and told him what was going on and he then made the call to The Veridian City Pokemon Centre.

AHA AGAIN!

35 seconds! 35 seconds to hang up the phone with Ash, then pick up the phone, call Professor Oak, tell him what's happened, hang up, let Professor Oak find the number for The Veridian City Pokemon Centre and then get ahold of Ash.

Well here is a more likely scenario: Following some hot, steamy love-making in the shower, Mrs. Ketchum gets the phone call, talks to Ash, hangs up, turns around and smiles as Professor Oak who has heard the whole conversation. He pulls on his shirt and lab-coat and moves to another part of the house to allay suspicion, then uses *69 to redial The Pokemon Centre.

This case, is solved.

Professor Oak goes on to tell his son that he had his doubts about Ash's ability but he seems to have proven himself now. He even went so far as to bet his Grandson (and Ash's older Nephew) Gary ONE MILLION DOLLARS! that Ash would have caught at least one Pokemon by now.

"Well.... money isn't everything," Ash offers lamely, leaving Professor Oak standing in the spotlight, head down as he wonders to himself why he even bothers. Ash then cheerfully tells Professor Oak of the Pokemon he saw flying overhead when he recovered consciousness at the end of the previous episode.

Professor Oak instantly scoffs and grinds his son's self-respect into the dirt by telling him he was mistaken, that Trainer's search their whole lives for a glimpse of the Pokemon he mentioned and that he must be wrong. Before Ash can recover from this psychological attack, Professor Oak notes Mrs. Ketchum wandering around half-nude off camera, makes a lame excuse about his pizza being ready and leaps away, where the sounds of some kind of eating are going on.... ewwww!

In any case, Ash turns around just in time to take in the sight of a very angry, very red-headed young girl clutching the molten remains of her bicycle overhead, panting angrily as she faces Ash down.
"Hey...." starts Ash, "What happened to your bike?"
"WHAT HAPPENED?" roars Misty, "WHAT HAPPENED? YOU HAPPENED!"

She goes off at him, her energy and fury unfettered by any kind of Freaky Egg Thingy that might leech at her life-force, growling and snarling until she loses her balance and goes over. Ash tries to help her up but she swats his hand away, leaping to her feet and demanding that he buy her a new bike. He tells her he would, but right now he needs time to make things right. She's having none of it, telling him she fell for that last time. "Huh?" asks Ash, not getting it (as he usually won't), Misty is obviously talking about some previous boyfriend who promised to do the right thing and then did a runner.

Ash then plays the sensitive card, telling her his Pikachu is in pretty bad shape. This instantly softens the foolish girl, who lets her own giddy emotions over Ash get the better of her. She thought he was just some punk kid (which he is!) but his direct, forceful approach when he stole her bike and now the tender, emotional side he's showing wrenches at her insides, going against her better nature as Ash tells her his sob-story. Nurse Joy emerges from The Critical Care Unit with Pikachu on it's stretcher, fitted with a head-band with a light bulb attached, which serves no purpose except to differentiate between it and other Pikachu's later in the episode. Misty tells Ash he better go look after Pikachu, then they're all interrupted by Officer Jenny's voice over the intercom, asking for their attention please. It seems The Pokemon Thieves are in town, detected by Veridian City's Radar, so everybody with a Pokemon better watch out.
"Looks like we woke up this sleepy little town," notes the red head.
"And how dare they call us criminals!" snaps Blue Boy, "They should welcome Team Rocket!"
So we have a name, the thieves are part of a team known as Team Rocket.

Hmmmm, they could use a motto.

Meowth informs them all that he's in charge once again, and the red-head and blue-boy call out their Pokemon.... Ekans and Koffing. Koffing and Ekans. Ekans and.... KOFFING! HAHA! Meet now, our friends, the greatest Pokemon that ever was and ever will be. Koffing, greatest of the greats, happiest of the happy, the most lovable, huggable, sweet, good natured Pokemon of all time. Senor Koffing Del Toro has the most upbeat, optimistic nature of any Pokemon before or since, whether it be crossing a road, drinking some tea, bobbing his head, getting sucker punched in the gut, suffering violent diphtheria or worse, Koffing would respond with a smile, a bob of his head and proud proclamation of.... "KOFFING!"

God Bless You, Koffing, God Bless.

Koffing happily fills the room with fumes and Ash tries to figure out what's going on, as red-head and blue-boy drop down and tell him not to be afraid, and then they introduce themselves for the first of what will be many times.

"To protect the world from devastation," this from Red-Head.
"To unite all people's within our nation," continues Blue-Boy.
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse!" ahhh, so the sexy Red-Head is Jesse.
"James!" and Blue-Boy is James.
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"MEOWTH THAT'S RIGHT!" proclaims Meowth, leaping out of nowhere.

Hmmm, nice motto, but it needs something at the beginning, say something like.... oh, we don't know, off the top of our heads, just coming out of nowhere, something like....
"Prepare for trouble!"
"And make it double!"

Yeah, that could work.

Ash, of course, just doesn't get it and James has to explain it to him in simple terms, that they're here to get the Pokemon.
"You're not getting Pikachu!" growls Ash.
"Pikachu? We're not interested in your precious electric rat."
"Hmm, we seek only rare and valuable Pokemon," adds James with a chuckle.
Nurse Joy tells them that the Centre is only for weak and injured Pokemon, but Jesse is positive they'll find a couple of gems here and there. It should be noted throughout this entire scene, everything is held except for Jesse and James' lips and, of course, a cross-eyes bobbing Koffing who bobs happily besides James, just happy to be alive.
"You guys are starting to bug me!" growls Ash valiantly (and stupidly as well).
"The boy's bugged," notes James.
"Then let's squash him!" laughs Meowth.
Ekans and Koffing attack, smashing into the desk as Nurse Joy, Ash and Misty wheel Pikachu's stretcher away. The two Pokemon rip the desk to shreds, Ekans dramatically, Koffing happily. Love that Koffing.

Nurse Joy, Misty and Ash find themselves in a room filled with Pokeballs containing weak and injured Pokemon while Koffing and Ekans disable the lights. Luckily the Pokemon Centre has a backup-supply of Pika-Power, and as Misty gushes girlishly over them, The Pikachu's run around in a circle, forming an electric circuit which powers up The Pokemon Centre. This being an emergency, the computer initiates the Pokeball Transfer system, which teleports Pokeballs from one city to the next, in this case The Pewter City Pokemon Centre. Koffing happily breaks through in the storage room, knocking Pokeballs all over the place. Nurse Joy yells at Ash to pick them up, and then Misty yells at Ash to not just hold them, but to use them!

Poor hen-pecked Ash, we almost feel sorry for him.

Almost.

He throws his Poke-ball and a Pidgey emerges, staring up at shock at a towering, snake like Ekans. It instantly flies away while Jesse and James share a chuckle. Ash throws another Poke-ball.... but this one is empty! He tries another, and a Rattata emerges. James giggles, Ekans rears up, Rattata runs away. Misty slides in front of Ash, rolls her eyes at him and tells him she's going to have to take things into her own hands.

Poor Ash, he'll be hearing those same words from her on their honeymoon as well!

Misty is positive she can handle Team Rocket, who claim those are pretty big words from such a little girl.
"At least you're right about the pretty part," laughs Misty,"Thanks for the compliment!"
"The girl think she's pretty," chuckles James. "I agree with her," smiles Jesse,"I think she's pretty too, pretty pathetic!"

What is this, kindergarten?

"I'll show you!" growls Misty and tosses out her Poke-ball, from which emerges..... Goldeen! A Water Type Pokemon!?! She calls it back while Jesse and James mock her, and she tries to make out that they're the stupid ones, telling them she was just warming up.
"Warming up?" asks Ash, who has made enough bonehead decisions in his time to recognise one when it happens.
"Just get Pikachu to safety!" growls Misty and with a nod Ash heads off. Koffing and Ekans give chase and Ash, idiot that he is, bangs into the remains of Misty's bike and they go over. With a sigh Pikachu realises it's going to have to deal with these punks itself and calls out for it's Pikachu brethren to come give him a hand.

The Pikachu's leap onto Pikachu's stretcher, then they all let loose with their thundershock attack, which blasts out and connects squarely with Jesse, James, Koffing and Ekans. They're all blasted with wave after wave of electrical energy, all of them yelling in pain except for Koffing, who appears to be loving it, still smiling and happy. Hooray!

Meowth steps in to deal with business, but after quick consultation with Pikachu, Ash knows just what to do for once in his life. Lifting Misty's bike and setting it upside down, he begins pedalling for all he's worth, generating the light to brighter and brighter colours as Pikachu leaps on, absorbs the energy and then blasts Meowth, Jesse, James, Ekans and Koffing. This goes on for some time, all of them screaming in pain except for Koffing, who is having a grand old time. He gets so excited, in fact, that he lets loose and blasts out his fumes, which ignite with the lightning and blow The Pokemon Centre sky-high! Officer Jenny arrives too late, of course, but still sits to enjoy the fireworks.

Lazy, corrupt, blue-haired bitch.

Team Rocket drift by the moon, hanging onto a line from the Meowth Balloon.
"Imagine, a cat beaten by a mouse," snaps Jesse, who is obviously having second thoughts about letting Meowth be the leader.
"That Pikachu was no ordinary Pikachu!" snaps Meowth, trying to talk up the opponent that whipped his ass so well.
"It's certainly rare!" agrees James.
"Let's catch it!" decides Jesse, setting the tone for what will make her the new leader within a matter of weeks.
"Maybe we will," adds Meowth enigmatically, and then their balloon bursts and they go spiralling off into the distance.



The sun rises on the remains of The Pokemon Centre, but luckily the computer system is still online and Nurse Joy is talking to her counterpart in Pewter City... who appears to be an exact duplicate of Nurse Joy named.... Nurse Joy!

Nurse Joy tells Nurse Joy that Ash, Misty and Pikachu have left Nurse Joy's Pokemon Centre and are heading to Nurse Joy's Pokemon Centre, then adds that they'll have to get through dark and dangerous Veridian Forest first. Officer Jenny laughs it off, claiming that there seems to be nothing those three can't handle.

Yeah, that's right Officer Of The Law, laugh at the thought of two young children alone in a dank, dark forest filled with potentially lethal wild Pokemon. Yeah, that's a real scream.

Anyway, in Veridian Forest we see Misty clutching desperately to Ash, pressing her body against his and begging for him to take care of it, to do something.

GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!

Ash is just excited to see the bug, however, since it's a Caterpie and he knows he can capture that. He draws out his Pokeball, then gets into position before throwing it towards Caterpie.

Will he catch it, will it escape, will he get his freak on with Misty? Will James lose the silly dramatic voice and become more camp to fit his character better? Will Mrs. Ketchum ever tell Ash about the hot, hard sex she's having with his Daddy, Professor Oak?

The answer to this and all other questions is most likely.... yes.

BEST QUOTES

"Pikachu? We're not interested in your precious electric rat." "What happened to your bike?" "WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED? YOU HAPPENED!"

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