ENGLISH NAME	JAPANESE NAME	POKEMOPOLIS NAME	DODGINESS RATING	ANIMATION	STORY	TEAM ROCKET	MORAL LEARNT
001: Pokémon, I Choose You!	001: Pokémon! Kimini Kimeta!	Hurry Up and Leave Ash, Mummy Needs Time Alone With Oaky			Introductions are always dull	N/A	Pikachu don't like green pyjamas

What's this, a Nidorino and a Gengar battling it out on a flat LCD screen while tinny music plays in the background? What is this? Where is the new show all the kids (and not a small number of adults) that, in Japan at least, is hailed for tackling more adult storylines such as psychopathic, pre-pubescent boys; issues of mind control over fiery red-headed girls; glaucoma in mysterious tanned and toned Gym-Leaders; secret love affairs between the Social Elite and the common nympho; and finally, an openly gay cartoon character withABSOLUTELY no sexual interest in females?

In short, where is Pokémon?



It's here, stop being silly, this is only the first two seconds of the cartoon.

Quite cleverly the LCD screen shifts and twists in ways the GameBoy never did, thickening out and taking on colour depth.... Why this isn't a Game at all! This is an actual Pokémon battle between a Nidorino and a Gengar, battled in the elite Pokémon League! The camera trucks out to reveal the Stadium, then cuts to a glorious held cell of the excited crowd, who all look extremely excited by the events unfolding before them.... except the guy third from the right, who seems a bit nervous and is glancing at the woman beside him.

Priorties, people!

Nidorino ignores the held cell of the crowd and swipes at Gengar, who leaps above it, bounces off it's head and then knocks it out with it's Hypnosis attack.

Wisely the Nidorino's Trainer calls it back and instead sends out Onyx, a massive, snake like Rock Pokémon whose brute strength is hard to match. The Trainer is seen only in silhouette, but he resembles strongly one of The Elite Four (The four best Pokémon Trainer's alive in the world) named Bruno.

How do we know this?

Hmmm, held cells, colour shifts, LCD screens......animation wise this isn't looking too good, is it. But then, what makes Pokémon popular isn't the animation or hell, even the story. It's the Dodginess of the show, the way it borders ever so closely on the edge of revealing it's dark secrets.

There is more to be seen of this in future episodes, never outright coming out and revealing itself. Instead, there are just hints at things hidden beneath the surface - hidden by a mixture of canny self-knowledge and a Translation desperate to make it out as a 'kiddies' show. Well damn their hides, their mothers and their mailmen! Pokémon is dodgy and this first episode is just the starting point for something that will grow and grow and grow, culminating with one of the main characters openly outing himself as a homosexual in the second movie.

Again, how do we know this?

The camera trucks back, the image of Onyx smashing in the earth as Gengar dodges aside becoming distorted. We are now looking at a T.V screen in a bedroom as a young boy pulls on his gloves and spirals around, revealing to us for the first time..... ASH KETCHUM!

Wow, that would be a bigger moment if we actually knew who this little punk kid actually was, wouldn't it.

The excited little boy's room is overloaded with the normal merchandise of a Pokémon fanatic. Pokéball blanket, Snorlax cushion, Poliwhirl pencil sharpener, Clefairy-Bank, ZubatMobile (what is he, two?)and a poster featuring the three most popular Pokémonamongst early trainer's, Charmander, Squirtle and Bulbasaur. All fine products which can be found at your local Nintendo-Sanctioned GiftStore. As Ash pulls on his shoes he excitedly thinks to himself that he can finally get a Pokémon License because he'sreached the ripe old age of.... ten!

My goodness they grow up early in Pokémon Land, don't they!

It seems the town's licensee is one Professor Oak. Who is he? Well aside from being the world's foremost expert on Pokémond - he's also a dirty old man with a penchant for screwing Ash's Mum!

How do we know this?

The following morning Ash will be allowed to go to Professor Oak and get a Pokémon Trainer's beginning license. From there this little ten year old kid will actually go off into the world on his own and make his own way through life. He'll live rough, eat like a hobo from a can, freeload from motel to hotel to back-seat to bus to boat to free-floating giant platforms! Eat your heart out, Huckleberry Finn!


Ash - like most kids with frighteningly psychopathic delusions of grandeur - believes he will become the greatest Pokémon Master of all time. He bravely talks up his own chances before being interrupted by one who holds power over even himself.

His Mum.

A note: Mom is a silly word that nobody really enjoys using, Mum being the correct way of writing, spelling and pronouncing the term. American's should note that Mother is pronounced Muth-er and not Moth-er, and thus the abbreviation of Mother to Mum makes considerably much more sense than Mother to Mom.

Mrs. Ketchum seems quite upset that her boy is up past 11 in the evening, opening his Voltorb clock to allow a Pidgey to bounce out. Her irritation more likely comes from wanting to get her freak on with a clandestinely visiting Professor Oak, but that is neither here nor there - when Mother speaks, you listen!

Ash, of course, whines like the little punk he is, insisting that he can't sleep, what with starting his Pokémon Journey and all. Mothers, of course, are impenetrable walls of authority and despite being willing to let her son head out alone at the age of 10, she's having none of this. She determines that if he can't sleep, he'll just have to make use of his time by watching the video prepared for all new Trainer's by Professor Oak.

Mrs. Ketchum also has some other videos starring Professor Oak, but those are not for young boys to see.

Professor Oak introduces Bulbasaur - a grasstype Pokémon which clearly has an attitude, and the vine whips to back it up - a Charmander - which is a fire type Pokémon whose tail constantly burns,signifying it's health - and also Squirtle - like a turtle but with blue skin and the ability to.... well.... squirt,uh.... water.

Mrs. Ketchum, holding something behind her back admonishes Ash to get into hi spyjama's and go to bed once the video is over. She leaves an excited Ash to watch as the man who is, in all likelihood, his Daddy explain the virtues of each different Pokémon.

That night Ash dreams of which Pokémon he should choose, knowing that Bulbasaur would be neat for a beginner but Squirtle would be fun. His tossing (GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA!) and turning knocks over his Voltorb clock, which is ominous foreboding indeed.

The next morning a Doduo cackles it hideous song from it's parched, warbling throat, sounding oddly reminiscent of JuliaRoberts laughing. Ash is still dreaming, thinking about Charmander. Yes, it seems those in the know say that's the way to go. They also say people who impart wisdom in the form of a rhyme thoroughly deserve the punt in the bollocks they usually get. Ash awakens, spotting with shock his broken clock, panicking as he realises he has no idea what time it is. Not even stopping to get into his clothes, he hoons down the dirt road (what kind of backwater'burg is Pallet Town anyway?)

It is here that Ash has his first run-in (literally) with Gary Oak, whom unbeknownst to Ash is actually his older nephew. Pushing past Gary's ever present cheerleaders and his Rent-A-Crowd, he smashes right into the older boy and gets knocked onto his ass. Gary tells him to watch where he's going, then noting that it's his hated younger Uncle takes great delight in mocking him. And well should he, Ash is wearing lime green jammies, appears to have a mullet and is obviously not too quick on the uptake.

Gary makes a grandiose, ego-stroking speech to the Rent-A-Crowd, promising to make them proud and promising to make Pallet Town famous around the world. He also refuses to tell Ash what kind of Pokémon he chose, taking delight in whatever little inconvenience he can cause young Ash. The reason? Well, Gary was born into a rich, Socialite (not Socialist mind, oh the horror, the horror!) Family with roots back into ancient times. He has had the Family Honour driven into him since he was a child by parents who were probably distant and too self-involved to pay much attention to him. The only person Gary would have known as a gentle and loving role-model would have been his Grandfather, Professor Oak. And then, bang! He hears the rumours, finds out that following the loss of his wife (probably through death, maybe a divorce) Professor Oak found comfort in the arms of a common housewife, one Mrs. Ketchum! The product of this passionate, supposedly secret affair is Ash Ketchum, a thick as pigshit, emotionally crippled little boy who is actually GARY'S UNCLE!
Oh the shame, the humiliation, the disgrace, the embarrassment, the dishonour! Suddenly his role-model, whom had little enough time for him anyway what with his Pokémon Research AND screwing Mrs.Ketchum now is more interested in shaping the life of his new son.

As Ash gets caught up in violent and unrealistic fantasies of revenge upon Gary, Professor Oak - still in a bit of a stupor from last nights sexual marathon with Mrs. Ketchum - wanders over and notes that Ash has finally arrived.

"PROFESSOR OAK!" gasps Ash, caught out. He whirls around, smiles and asks where his Pokémon is, claiming he's ready.

"You look like you're ready for bed," replies Professor Oak, who really has tried his best to make something out of his young bastard child,"I hope you don't think you're going to do your training in your pyjamas!"

If it was anyone else but Ash, you'd think it was a joke, but you never know.

You never bloody know.

Ash is given his choice, presented with three Pokéballs, one containing Bulbasaur, one containing Charmander and the third containing Mew, rarest of all Pokémon.


Oops, sorry, that was a typo, the last one contains Squirtle.

And it's Squirtle Ash picks, having finally come to his conclusion, he lifts the ball and it opens to reveal.... it's empty? Yes it seems that Pokémon was already picked by someone who was on time, so Ash picks Bulbasaur.... and it's empty! Well, the last apple in the barrel isn't ALWAYS rotten, Ash thinks to himself, so he'll go with Charmander. Nope! Sorry Ashy-Boy - with Charmander, just as in life, you don't get it.

Oak might have mentioned this, you know?

So all the Pokémon have been taken, leaving young Trainer Ash with no Pokémon. Ah well, good series while it lasted, pity it didn't pan out, goodnight everybody, wake us up before the Wrestling starts.

But wait, there is one Pokémon left! But there is a slight problem with it, warns Professor Oak, so be wary. Given this sobering warning from one of the worlds foremost experts on Pokémon, Ash does the sensible thing and just calls out the Pokémon! He presents to the eyes of adoring kids for the first time what will become a mass-marketing sensation.... Pikachu!



Haha, look at that fat fucking thing!

"It's the best of all!" gasps an excited Ash, scooping up Pikachu and hugging it tightly. But cute as it is, Pikachu's shares both The French's love for physical comedy and their short tempers. It combines the two to blast Ash with it's powerful Thunderbolt attack. Professor Oak, in a grossly negligent act of parental delinquency, just watches this calmly and makes a terrible pun about how shocking it all is. Sigh, if only there was somebody out there who would punish those who made bad puns.... like some sort of... PUN-Isher!

But it'll never happen, certainly not at Lt. Surge's Gym, that's for damn sure!

Ash continues to hold onto Pikachu as Professor Oak hands him his Pokédex and Pokéballs (GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA!), and as Ash continues to cup one of Pikachu's softly furred buttocks. The Electric Mouse zaps Ash and, as a result of the hand-off, Professor Oak as well.

Outside, Mrs. Ketchum awaits with local townspeople she has somehow bribed into coming out to pretend they care about Ash. One would wonder why she didn't wake him earlier, but she was probably conked out herself after an all night whips and chains party with Professor Oak down in the basement. Mrs. Ketchum starts to cry, whether from pride like she claims or just overwhelming depression from having Ash as a son or maybe even the release of knowing he's going away and there's a good chance he might just die, we don't know. In an act of love and kindness she wipes her tears and snot into the back of Ash's bag and then piles the contents into his hands, giving him shoes and jeans and shirts and hot chocolate and food and rubber gloves to wash his clothes and a clothesline to hang them up to dry and....

Even for someone as thick-headed as Ash this molly-coddling is embarrassing and he begs his mother to stop, telling her he's a big time Pokémon Trainer now. This, of course, causes her to note that he has a Pokémon at his side.

"This is your Pokémon?" she asks.

Ash tries to talk up Pikachu, but being a Mum (A mUm!) she sees through the bullshit immediately and asks why Pikachu isn't in his Pokéball. Ash tries to show off and tosses the Pokéball at Pikachu, telling it to get in again. With the same casual arrogance which had made The French both adored and despised throughout Europe and, indeed, The World, Pikachu bats the Pokéball aside with it's tail. So, of course, being the bright boy that he is, Ash again throwsthe ball down, and again, and again, and again, Pikachu batting it indifferently aside each time. Mrs. Ketchum comes to the rescue, of course, making out that the two of them are friends and are playing catch. Ash scoops up Pikachu and smiles, pretending that this is the case, but then Mrs. Ketchum ruins things by saying that Pikachu looks a little weird.

Pikachu growls, a little black skull and crossbones appearing above it's head before it shocks the entire crowd, except for Professor Oak who wisely grounds himself against the gate's nearby pillar.

"Those rubber gloves your mother packed willcome in handy," he notes to Ash, fondly remembering his own experiences with Ash's mother and rubber gloves.
"Why?" asks Ash.
"Because rubber blocks electricity."
"Great," grunts Ash, then he and the crowd collapse to the ground.

The next shot we see is of Ash heading out of town, a ten year old kid heading out into the deadly Veridian Forest. He's wearing rubber gloves and dragging Pikachu by the clothesline his mother gave him, attached to a collar around the poor little electric rodent's body.


Look at that, Pokémon abuse on his very first day as a Trainer. For shame, for shame.

Finally getting tired of lugging Pikachu about, Ash stops and asks Pikachu to tell him what's wrong. Is it, could it be... does Pikachu not like him? In answer... Pikachu nods!

Well, that's a good start.

"Well I like you," Ash tries, "This would be alot easier if you could just open your mouth and tell me what's wrong."
Pikachu takes this literally, opening his mouth wide (and we mean WIDE! We're talking Steve Tyler wide here!),"That's not quite what I meant," Ash sighs,"Can't you say anything but your own name?"

Pikachu nods again, saying it's name to emphasise the point. Ash, thinking he's outsmarted the rodent, claims that this makes Pikachu just like all other Pokémon and because of this he should get into his Pokéball. He opens his Pokédex and Dexter (the name of his Pokédex) informs Pikachu that this is the case, which gives Ash a nice warm little fuzzy feeling, knowing that he's been proven right.

Pikachu sniffs, leaps up and pushes a button on Dexter, which then informs Ash that in some exceptions, certain Pokémon cannot stand being confined. Outsmarted by a yellow rat, Ash is feeling not a little pathetic, until the footsteps of an approaching Pokémon disturbs them both. Turning he spots a Pidgey, a Bird Type Pokémon which Dexter assures Ash is amongst the most gentle and easily captured of Pokémon. Ash laughs and orders Pikachu to go blast Pidgey, but little Pikachu has no interest in fighting and instead bounds up a tree and sits on a branch. He watches Ash as he angrily decides to just go and kick that Pidgey's ass himself.


Wow.

What a guy.

He drops his bag, takes out his Pokéball and makes a little speech and a dramatic pose before tossing his Pokéball at Pidgey, hitting it and sucking it inside.

"I did it!" he laughs, then watches in shock as the Pokéball wobbles, shakes, then opens up, releasing Pidgey and leaping back into his hand as the stunned Pokémon takes off through the grass.

"I blew it!" moaned Ash as Pikachu sits on it's branch and laughs at him, going, "Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi!"

Dexter informs Ash that Pokémon have to battle and be weakened before being captured. This makes Pikachu laugh some more as Ash grumbles that he has to do everything himself, then spots his backpack and gets an idea.

Creeping up on Pidgey, he carries his pyjama top before him, getting into Pidgey's sight before throwing the jacket high, spinning about some and then tossing it over the Bird-Type Pokémon. He tries desperately to hold the struggling creature down before his top expands, expands and then launches him into the air, crashing him into the ground. Dexter explains that this is Pidgey's Gust attack, capable of creating mini-tornadoes, then informs Ash it also has a sand-attack. No sooner are the words said than sand is flung into Ash's face and Pidgey flies away.

Ash grumbles, then turns to see a small rat-like Pokémon going through his bag. He cries out and it runs away as Dexter tells him that this is a Rattata, a Pokémon that forages in forests for fruits, berries and nuts.

"But this is an open field!" complains Ash to the inanimate device.

"It also comes into open fields," continues Dexter, "So that it can steal food from STUPID travellers."

HA! Way to go Dexter! BURN!

"That means that....I'm stupid?" asks Ash, as Pikachu laughs some more. He hears some more Pidgey's chirping and tosses a stone at them, but they fly easily away before he can get them. This infuriates him, until he notices a shadowy figure (what's casting the shadow is unclear, it may be the shadow cast by a plot device necessary to maintain the flow of the show) and tosses a rock at it, mistakenly thinking that it is a Pidgey.


Of course it is a Spearow, the most easily enraged Bird-Type Pokémon there is. It has been known to attack other Pokémon and even humans, and this one is no exception. It launches itself at Ash, who dodges aside, grabbing his bag and swinging it like a weapon as The Spearow darts about him.

We cut to a look at things from the Spearow's perspective, seeing things in black and white. It misses Ash but then spots Pikachu, and begins divebombing the little electric rodent, causing the cut little Pikachu to fall off the branch, only just catching it with it's little paws before it would have fallen to a very bumpy landing.

"Leave Pikachu alone, it didn't throw the rock!" snaps Ash, as Dexter explains that Wild Pokémon are often jealous of human trained Pokémon It zeros in on Pikachu, who hits the flying Spearow with a Thunderbolt which knocks it to the ground as Ash excitedly proclaims to Pikachu,"You got it!"

Spearow sits up, glares at them, then opens it's beak wide and screams out,"SPEEARRRRRRRRRRRROW!"

From a nearby tree the cry is echoed again and again, and suddenly A Flock of Flying Spearow are on their way, as Ash makes the smart decision for once in his life and decides to leg it. They charge past Sandshrews and Mankey's, running and running and running some more.



"Don't worry Pikachu, I'll save you!" cries Ash, and this brave,heroic statement does not go unnoticed by Pikachu who.... takes off ahead and leaves Ash behind. Every man for himself, it's the French way!

The Spearow's bang into his head, then push past him and knock Pikachu down, surrounding it and pecking and kicking. Ash roars and pushes past them, scooping Pikachu up and running on ahead till he comes to, as you must in all Action Movies, a waterfall. He pauses, then turns his cap around backwards (maybe the jump will be less fatal if the bill isn't over his forehead?) and then leaps into the water, immediately getting sucked into the current, past a Magikarp, narrowly escaping the bite of a Gyrados as the Spearow's continue to give chase.... right into the path of destiny!

An idyllic scene this, a pretty young red-head sits on a rock by a small river, fishing and enjoying the peace. Suddenly a bite at her rod and she excitedly leaps to her feet, thinking this could be it, it feels like a big one!

How she will come to regret (and know the falsity!) of those words!

She pulls with immense strength, pulling Ash and Pikachu both bodily from the water, throwing them in an overhead arc and smashing them into the ground behind her. There is such power, such energy, such vitality from this young red-head! One can only pray that she never comes across some kind of, oh, we don't know, some kind of Freaky Egg-Thingy that sucks the energy and spirit from her, taking dark control of her with it's evil telepathic hooks.

Nah! That'll never happen!

"It's just a kid!" snaps Misty angrily, then gushes with delight as she spots Pikachu... until she realises the state it's in.

"Are you all right?" she asks.

Ash looks up and finds himself staring into the face of a young girl. He smiles a little shyly (starting the doomed history of AAML) and tells her bravely that, yeah, he's fine.

"NOT YOU!" she growls at him, looking like she's about to slap him,"Look what you've done to that poor little thing! Is it breathing?"

Ash tells her he isn't sure if Pikachu is all right, so Misty snaps at him to get to the nearby Pokémon Center, which is a kind of hospital for Pokémon.

"SPEARRRRRRRRRRRRROW!!!!!" scream The Spearow's again, coming down the river after them. Ash leaps up beside Misty's bike, placing Pikachu gently inside of her basket and then hopping onto the seat.
"What are you doing!" cries Misty angrily.
"I'm borrowing this!" snaps Ash, taking Misty aback with his forceful manner. What kind of boy is this? What kind of take charge kind of MAN is this to speak to her so!?!
"I'll return it... someday!" cries Ash as he peddles off, leaving Misty behind.
"Oh you!" she snaps, getting completely the wrong impression of Ash as a heroic, brave and take charge kind of MAN.

If only she knew.... if only she knew.

Thunderclouds clash overhead as Ash strains his mightiest, cycling with all the power his puny legs can manage. The Spearow's give chase, catching up as the rain begins to pound down, Ash straining harder and harder as an exhausted Pikachu watches.

The Spearow's pull up on either side of him and in desperation, tries an act which only an Action Hero could ever pull off - he leaps over a ridge and crashes his bike into the ground. Forcing himself back up, he spots Pikachu lying on the ground before him and, gritting his teeth, drags himself up to him. He begs Pikachu to get into it's Pokéball so that he can help him, it's the only way to protect him.

Leaving the Pokéball beside Pikachu, he pulls himself to his feet and spreads his arms wide as he raises his head in the teeming rain ala Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption, roaring his defiance at The Spearows.

"I'm Ash from the town of Pallet, I'm destined to be the world's number one Pokémon Trainer, I can't be defeated by the likes of you! I'm going to capture and defeat you all!"

The Spearows flap over him, preparing to attack as Ash once more turns to Pikachu and tells him to get into the Pokéball. Turning back to face The Spearow's, he roars at them to come and get him, which, of course, they do. Swooping as one, illuminated in fits and bursts by bolts of lightning, Ash stands bravely (or stupidly, based on your point ofview) before them as Pikachu gathers it's strength and leaps past Ash, drawing the lightning bolts like a conductor, sucking in the energy and releasing it, blasting the Spearow's away with a massive blast of electricity.



The Spearow's are defeated, Ash is shocked, Pikachu is half-dead and Misty is without a bike, and yet somehow a sense of happinessis in the air. Ash has actually done something right, defeating The Spearows, gaining Pikachu's respect and also leaving Misty's bike a melted pile of slag.

Well, we can't win them all.

As he and Pikachu recover, he is shocked to see a large phoenix like Pokémon flying overhead, light sparkling from its tail feathers as it sails over a rainbow. What kind of Pokémon is it? Even Dexter doesn't know, telling Ash that there is no data and there are many Pokémon still to be discovered.

He carries Pikachu to the nearby town, spotting The Pokémon Center and sighing with relief, knowing Pikachu can now be saved. To his surprise Pikachu gives him a little lick on the cheek, as close as it can get to the French Cheek-Kiss of admiration, feared by American's and British everywhere for the implied homo-eroticism. In Ash's mind, everything is going to be all right from now on.

Foolish boy, he should Prepare For Trouble.

And he better make it double.

BEST QUOTES

"I hope you don't think you're going to do your training in your pyjamas!"

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