ENGLISH NAME	JAPANESE NAME	POKEMOPOLIS NAME	DODGINESS RATING	ANIMATION	STORY	TEAM ROCKET	MORAL LEARNT
503: Steamboat Willies!	507: Pikachu no Orusuban!	The Pokéseidon Adventure			The twerps' Pokémon get left alone on a ship, some weird (and fun!) shit goes down.	They entertain children, dammit!	We don't need to know what colour Dawn's panties are!

Today's pre-episode teaser begins with Sudowoodo, Pikachu, Turtwig, Pachirisu and Buizel.... playing musical instruments! Yes, apparently the Pokémon are on a seemingly abandoned ship travelling downriver and kicking it in their own band..... until Staravia warns them that they're heading towards a waterfall! Eeek, that'll send shivers down your spine! It'll give them the....



(snicker)

By the by, all the twerps said the motto today, because everybody wanted to hear Dawn say,"Willies."

Ash runs to a mountain lookout point that looks out over the massive river between the twerps and the still distant Hearthome city. Dawn points at a Steamboat on the dock far below, and Brock checks his guidebook and discovers that the Wailmer shaped boat offers cruises to tourists, letting them travel downriver and enjoy the onboard nightclub. Well the twerps are all for the kind of action that excited middle-aged English tourists and old people, especially when they discover it travels directly on the path to Hearthome City. They head down to the dock, passing a sleeping bearded old man and stepping onto the boat. They enter the dining hall and Pikachu rushes up to the band's musical instruments, pulling on a cello string and enjoying the vibrating recoil. It joins the twerps out on deck where the rest of the Pokémon are called out. Pachirisu and Happiny grab small green hoops and try to hula with them to little success, until Piplup points out the rods attached to a board against a wall... the hoops aren't for hula'ing, they're for a ring toss game!

Piplup tosses the ring towards the 100 Points stick, but it bounces off. Pikachu leaps through the air and knocks it back down, landing and posing as Buneary gasps in lust. As they play, the twerps look about, confused by the lack of people until Dawn spots the legs of the old man sleeping under the veranda. They call out to him and wake him, asking when the boat leaves. It won't be going until noon, and he points out that he WAS taking the chance to grab a nap before leaving. They apologise for interrupting his siesta, though to be fair it's not like he left up a sign explaining the departure schedules or anything. He tells them it's no problem, and asks where they're going, and they tell him Hearthome City. Brock asks if there is a shop that sells supplies for Pokémon, and he points into the trees and says a Pokémart can be found not too far off where they can get everything. Ash and Dawn want to join Brock, but the Pokémon seem to be having too good a time playing to interrupt them. Captain McBeardy tells them they can leave the Pokémon there with him while they go to the mart, since they won't be leaving for awhile.

There you go, Team Rocket, all you had to do was put on a fake beard and gut and tell the twerps there is a shop "in the forest somewhere".

Ash, Brock and Dawn leave, with Pikachu and Piplup left in charge. Their good humour quickly fades though when they spot Happiny and Pachirisu about to pitch over the side of the boat into the river. They rush to try to save them, while Buizel leans back in its seat and enjoys the sun and its own smug sense of self-superiority. Sudowoodo leans back on the seat behind Buizel, seemingly mimicking Buizel.... while Croagunk sits in a life preserver with that weird little grin on its face, puffing it's cheeks in and out slowly and inscrutably.

Happiny uses its surprising strength to pull Pikachu, Piplup and Pachirisu back onto the deck, while high in the air above, Team Rocket watches the Steamboat and the Pokémon onboard. They note the lack of twerps... and gift us to another Patented Crazy Meowth Giovanni Fantasy!

Why, they'll steal all of the Pokémon and give them to Giovanni, and he'll love them, and use his fortune to pay for their food and upkeep.... and ride on slides with them and have them sleep on his bed of course why not!?!?

"Dat Meowth, what a great guy!" grins Fantasy Giovanni as he lies in bed with the Pokémon sleeping all about him, teeth gleaming in fantasy-handsome delight.

Well of course, Jesse and James fall hook, line and sinker for the ridiculous ramblings of their insane cat. They shout out in delight, even though this particular fantasy doesn't even include a token mention of reward for Jesse or James - all the reward Meowth needed was the thought of Giovanni in bed apparently!

The Pokémon head into the Dining Room, Croagunk stopping when its spots it's reflection in the mirror and just STARING at itself. Sudowoodo jumps onto the piano, Pikachu plunks the cello string, Buizel blows on the sax and Turtwig goes nuts on the drums. Inside the prop room, Aipom, Happiny and Buneary spot the wardrobe of absent performers and leap into them, while Pachirisu is enthralled with some balloons, imagining using them to float up as high as Staravia flies. Piplup spots a magician's cane and top hat, and tries them on as Pachirisu floats slightly above ground with the balloons attached and Croagunk..... continues staring at itself in the mirror.

Meanwhile at the Pokémart, Dawn freaks out Ash while giving any midgets who might be standing behind her a quick thrill (not to mention some very bizarre and specific fetishists out there who get off on seeing her wearing a Piplup mask!). She hands the Piplup mask to Ash and rushes over amongst the shelves, delighted at all the shopping potential, causing Ash to sigh as he remembers that age old truth - "woman be shopping".

But there's no help to be had from his non-uterus companion, as Brock breaks down in the presence of multiple pretty ladies, dropping to a knee and asking one to tea before freaking out like crazy at his impending comeuppance... till he realises that Croagunk isn't around, and he's free to sexually harass women who dared to go out in public.

Meanwhile, much to Staravia's horror, the Pokémon band is playing! They crash about enthusiastically on the instruments, making a hell of a racket, while we're left to ponder.... how does Turtwig hold drumsticks when it has hooves!?!

In the prop room, Buneary pirouettes about in a little dress, as does Aipom and Happiny, suggesting that Aipom really IS female as some have suggested..... or a James-type!

Piplup performs magic tricks while Pachirisu floats through the kitchen suspended from balloons. It knocks down pots and gets Pikachu's attention, which runs past Croagunk (STILL staring at itself in the mirror) and into the kitchen, where in fine French farce fashion it catches falling plates and balances them precariously on various limbs. Pachirisu floats into the control room and the balloons pop, dropping Pachirisu to the control panel and setting off an electric attack in its surprise.... which sets the Steamboat off out of the dock, unseen by Captain McBeardy who is still napping!

It floats on down the river; Pikachu crawling out of the wreckage of the plates which it dropped when the boat started up. Hearing an odd noise, it turns and is greeted by an even odder sight.... Team Rocket? James and Meowth are dressed up like Plusle and Minun and Jesse got the female host of a kid's show, singing and dancing to the assembled Pokémon

"I've listened very closely but no twerp voice do I hear!" they sing together,"Which means the time is right! Without a fight! The fiendish coast is clear, yeah!"
"The wind!" cheers Jesse.
"And the stars!" agrees James, beaming at the Pokémon and waving in his silly costume.
"Straight in yer ear!"
"So let's get those booties busy!" they cry together as Pikachu joins the perplexed Pokémon. It stares up at them as Jesse asks if they're having fun yet, and James insists that they will once they get moving, and with some encouragement from Meowth they tell the Pokémon to rock the house.... and they do! All of them, even Pikachu who SHOULD know better start dancing happily with Team Rocket, utterly confusing anybody who happened to walk by a television just at this moment and see what fans of the show were watching.

Meowth and Jesse tell them to enter the "Super Tunnel Of Fun" (no, Gentle Dodgers, it's not what Jesse keeps under her skirt) and the stupid Pokémon stupidly march their way right into the "tunnel" like stupid stupid-heads. The "tunnel" entrance is promptly sealed by a dropped door, and James prepares to lock it into place. As Meowth ponders how to feel since he's unused to the warming glow of success, none of them notice that just a small way away, Croagunk has ignored all these bizarre goings on so it could continue to stare at its own reflection.

In the control room, Pachirisu wakes up and accidentally spins the steering wheel about, twisting the boat around in a U-Turn, causing James to drop the key before the "Super Tunnel of Fun" can be locked. Rushing after it, Team Rocket grab it and turn to get that tunnel locked down properly.... except all the Pokémon have stepped out of it, and aren't so much in a party mode anymore.

Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!

But the damage has been done, and Captain McBeardy wakes to see the boat disappearing downriver without Captain or crew. The twerps arrive just in time to find out about the Captain's grossly negligent oversight. They look over at the other boats in the dock, finding there are only sailboats available, that won't be able to keep up with the steamboat.... and it's heading right for a waterfall!

Captain McBeardy calls out a Mantine, which,"WAAAWWWWWWWW"s loudly before Dawn and Ash leap onto its back and.....



Pokémon, The Internet and the world in general can truly hold its head high with dignity this day, Gentle Dodgers.

Mantine bursts through the water after the steamboat, which is rapidly approaching the waterfall as the Pokémon stand on deck awaiting their fate.... all except Staravia of course, which can book out of there any time it wants and is just kind of rubbing it in by flying above their heads. Pikachu and Piplup reach agreement on a course of action, calling down Staravia to pick up Happiny and Pachirisu - because babies and the Roadrunner must always be allowed off the ship first. As it flies off, Pikachu looks around and realises that someone is missing... Croagunk! It runs back to the dining room and grabs Croagunk by the arm, FINALLY dragging the bizarre Pokémon away from its own reflection.

Ash calls out to Pikachu and it runs over to see him and Dawn on Mantine's back. Mantine leaps high over the boat and Ash and Dawn jump down onto the deck, putting their own lives at risk instead of having the Pokémon jump down to safety. Dawn is instantly sidetracked by Aipom and Buneary's dresses, telling the "girls" that they look cute. Ash tells them to save it for later, and runs up to the control booth and grabs the wheel, while Piplup fires up a Whirlpool and drops it into the water in front of them, changing the flow of the current enough for Ash to turn the ship around.... but not enough to fight against it pulling them back. Buneary uses Icebeam to block up the water and the ship is finally fully turned around, but as they sail upstream, Ash spots a large rock ahead of them. He has Pikachu use Thunderbolt and Turtwig use Razorleaf to blast the rock into pieces, helped along by Buizel's Sonic Boom, and they sail.... directly towards a giant piece of broken off rock hurtling towards them.

Jesus Christ, just set the boat on fire while you're at it!

Mantine leaps from the water and shatters the rock, and the ship FINALLY has clear sailing back to the dock. Once docked again (apparently Ash is a skilled enough pilot to dock the steamboat) they tell an apologising Captain McBeardy that they should thank him, because his Mantine saved them and their Pokémon. Relieved that there won't be an investigation from the Maritime Safety Authority, Captain McBeardy wishes the twerps luck on their Gym Battle and Pokémon Contest, and they board the ship again and sail away from Hearthome City.

Wait.... if McBeardy isn't the Captain, then who the fuck is piloting the ship?

Well there we go then, Gentle Dodgers. Today’s episode answered some long standing questions. Questions such as, what gender is Aipom? A girl! What does Croagunk think about the way it looks? Nobody knows, it's too bizarre to understand! How good are Pokémon at playing musical instruments? Terrible! Oh yeah, and..... what colour are Dawn’s.... panties?

Goddammit, Pokémon, you might not be a Kid's Show, but there's dodgy and there's dirty, and you should be better than that. Hopefully that was the first and LAST time we ever see anything like that again.

BEST QUOTES

"WAAHHH! A FREE MAN, A DATE WITHOUT CROAGUNK! THAT MEANS I LOVE YOU! AND I LOVE YOU! AND I LOVE YOU TOO!"

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