ENGLISH NAME	JAPANESE NAME	POKEMOPOLIS NAME	DODGINESS RATING	ANIMATION	STORY	TEAM ROCKET	MORAL LEARNT
690: Archeops in the Modern World!	695: Kaseki Fukkatsu! Kodai Kaicho Akeosu!	Ugly Ass Old Birds			The twerps help a restored extinct Pokémon learn to fly	Failed only in getting a little bit extra	Science schmience, forget the data! Let emotion constrain your research!

Today finds the twerps.... being shown a rock! Not even the type of rock that Brock's dad would like! Professor Juniper has somehow shown up wherever the twerps are to show off a rock to them. Cilan is impressed, recognising that the rock is a fossil, while Ash is genuinely impressed by seeing a rock without knowing anything else about it other than that it came from Lenora - THE NATURAL BORN MAMA! Only Iris notes plainly that it's "just" a rock, which is pretty accurate but still pretty fucking rude! Juniper almost drops the fossil in surprise, then laughs it off as different people seeing different things (and ignoring the social contract!). She's not the only one there, Dr. Fennel and her floating elephant foetus Munna is there too. It seems the twerps dropped into a Research Lab on their way to Nimbasa City to meet the two and see their rock. Juniper shows Ash a picture of the Pokémon the fossil comes from - it's an Archen, the earliest known Flying-Type Pokémon from 100 million years in the past. Iris says it's kind of like Pidove's great, great, great Grandparent, and Juniper happily agrees because SHE does take part in the social contract and thus isn't going to tell Iris that this is a fucking stupid thing to say. But what's the big deal for the kids really? Well it's not JUST a fossil, Juniper and Fennel are planning to restore the fossil back to life, much like Roark and his Daddy back in Sinnoh do. Surely there cannot possibly be any downside to bringing to life a 100 million year old monster! Maybe it'll even evolve? That can't have a downside either! We can't wait to see...



Juniper places the fossil onto a tray that enters a machine, where Fennel analyses it and gets a SHITLOAD of pop-ups on her monitor. Fennel instantly blushes, horrified by her surreptitious porno-browsing being exposed, and leaps up and starts dancing around in front of the screen in an attempt to cover up her shame. Munna joins in the act, as she gasps about how it's wonderful to see so much information held within the fossil, more than they could ever know. Iris ignores the social contract again to pout that it just looks like a bunch of numbers, while Cilan is enamoured with the concept of seeing the form of a Pokémon in numbers. Juniper agrees that Fennel is a woman with dreams, and then the genetic analysis completes and.... Fennel starts getting even freakier!



Having called out Musharna, she grabs a phallic pipe and brandishes it with a too-wide grin on her face. Musharna rolls over submissively, having recognised the filthy toy, and Fennel slaps it on as Juniper explains that they're charging their machine with Dream Energy to restore the fossil. Fennel begins blushing even more, perhaps from guilt at using sex-toys on this important endeavour. The process completes and they read life-signs coming from within - the Pokémon has been reborn! The twerps eagerly approach, but Juniper holds them up so she can pull out a shitty little camcorder to record the first sight. They open the machine and steam pours out, then a shrill cry from within, and then they see it... a Pokémon that existed 100 million years ago!



Pokémon sure were ugly 100 million years ago!

Ash is excited though, while Fennel is delighted that it looks just like the illustration (the artists really lucked out in their wild guesswork!)... but then something happens! Something that nobody but EVERYBODY NOT IN THAT ROOM would have predicted! The Archen attacks them! It pecks and stomps on Fennel and Juniper, humps Cilan's face viciously, runs in space on Ash's head and then pecks angrily at Iris'.

It flips past Munna and Musharna which seem entirely unconcerned, hits the floor where it drops three small objects, then runs directly into the window (it doesn't know what glass is!) and flaps about in a right state. It turns out that bringing Pokémon that have been extinct for 100 million years instantly into the modern world has some kind of negative effect! Scientists will be shocked!

Ash presumes that Archen can probably speak English and tells it to calm down, then rushes forward and smashes headfirst into it, knocking it out. Fennel picks it up and cradles it in her arms, while Juniper keeps filming and happily comments that it's no surprise it was startled and alarmed.

Listening in a building across the park inside the small city through a special audio dish designed to pick up distant conversations is Team Rocket. Jesse is impressed at the idea to use Dream Energy to restore an extinct Pokémon to life, and Meowth tells James to download as much of their research data to his laptop as he can. He's already on it, trying to break through their security systems (sadly the days of Jesse trying to "download" by hauling on an Ethernet cable are behind us) when Zager breaks through his. Appearing on a small video screen, he tells James to keep at it no matter how long it takes - the Restoration Machine is priceless and he WILL have it!

They could just go and steal Roark or Byron's machines in Sinnoh! They don't even need Dream Energy!

A little later, Cilan emerges into a room with some Pokémon food, but is shushed by Ash and Iris who are gathered around Archen sleeping splayed out in a basket. "Ahhh, it's sleeping time," he whispered, and leaves the food there before joining Juniper and Fennel, leaving the "kids" behind to watch Archen sleep. Juniper and Fennel explain that their research is hoping to figure out how Pokémon first started to fly, since while Archen IS the first Flying-Type, it couldn't actually fly itself. But just hearing its voice was enough for a start, nobody has ever heard what an Archen sounds like before today.

Unfortunately for them they're all about to get to hear some more, as Archen wakes up and is understandably freaked out by Pikachu and Axew looming over it squeaking out their names in its face - joined by the walking skin monsters it doesn't have any history with. It leaps up and bounds away, letting loose a massive screech at Cilan when he tries to block it. The soundwave smashes out the windows and Iris gasps that this was Dragon Breath, which means that Archen can use Dragon-Type moves, which obviously none of them were expecting! The noise had an unexpected side effect too, the three small objects that dropped off of Archen earlier turned out to be seeds, which respond to the cry and germinate, punching into the floor. Ash leaps onto Archen, restraining it and yelling his alien jibber-jabber at the confused Pokémon. It lets out another roar which causes the three plants to shoot up with even more growth, still unseen by everyone. Archen pants roughly and Pikachu decides to try and calm it down with its own favourite mood-enhancer - food! It offers Ash one of the pellets of Pokémon Food and he in turn offers it to Cilan. It eats the offered food cautiously, swallows it and... coughs in disgust, breaks free of Ash and is out the window to freedom!

Team Rocket spot it going, dropping down to the park and clambering up a nearby tree to gobble at the fruits in it. It coughs in distaste though, and Juniper and Fennel note that not knowing what food it likes is going to make it difficult for them to look after it.

They only thought of this NOW!?!

Munna approaches Archen and beams happily at it, and Archen finally seems enthralled by something. It STARES up at Munna, then begins leaping up and frantically thrashing its wings in an attempt to stay up like Munna is. Everybody is delighted, could they be seeing Archen learn how to fly? Ash decides to help out (show off) by calling out Tranquil and getting it to show how it is done. Tranquil seems to enjoy showing off too, and takes off and glides effortlessly along low to the ground, chased by Archen which tries to emulate it. Iris thinks this is incredibly cute and wants to get in on the action, so she calls in her gliding Emolga. It immediately uses Attract to try and wrap Archen around its fingers, but Archen's only reaction to the hearts surrounding it is a confused SQUAWK. They figure this means Archen is a girl, and it proceeds to answer Emolga's attempted seduction by pecking it right in the face. Annoyed, Emolga uses Volt Switch and jumps up into the trees to get a break, ignoring Iris' angry protests that she told him not to use Volt Switch anymore. But in the meantime, the object of that Volt Switch is.... well, this is about the best thing that could have ever happened, ever.



Fuck. Yes.

The two just sit and stare at each other, until finally Archen slowly reaches down with its beak and tugs at Stunfisk's face. Alarmed, the gloriously slow Pokémon pulls back and blasts Archen with an electric attack, causing Archen to let out another screech of Dragon's Breath... and case those plants in the lab to shoot up even more, ripping up the floor and causing the Restoration Machine to spark dangerously.

Seemingly over the attack, we see a montage of Archen continuing to attempt to fly, while Fennel replays video of its squawking which has the unseen side effect of making the plants in the lab grow more and more. In the tower across the other side of the park, James is assuring Jesse that he is very near to either accessing or downloading all of the Research Data. Jesse and Meowth continue to watch Archen through their binoculars, having a chuckle over how naive the twerps are.

Fennel continues to play the squawking over and over again, her and Juniper discussing it and saying that it clearly has a purpose - but what? The answer is literally over their heads, the plant is now growing creepers out the shattered windows of the research lab. They're distracted from playing the noise again though when Ash and Iris successfully encourage Archen to fly a short distance. It beams happily as Ash tells it how far it has come in a short time, while Cilan films it all for the research.

As they watch, Juniper notes that Ash is an "interesting" trainer. She tells Cilan that he is putting in a surprising amount of effort with a Pokémon so newly restored, and it's clear he has a talent for identifying with a Pokémon. Cilan agrees, and actually admits that this is the reason he is travelling with Ash, he recognised in him a unique combination of skills and talents that strongly appealed to him as a Coordinator. As they share their mutual admiration of the grade-school dropout, Fennel and Munna wonder back into the lab, leaving the steadily encroaching plant creepers behind. She enters the lab.... or tries too, but is horrified to discover it has been completely filled up with the plant. She rushes outside to warn everyone, only to find them staring up behind her in shock. She turns as well, and sees how far the plants have grown, now beginning to flower with buds that turn into fruits that haven't existed for 100 million years.

Fennel has never seen anything like it, but Archen has. Delighted, it rushes up the plant and begins gobbling down the fruit, then using Dragon's Breath to cause more to grow. As it greedily eats, the scientists figure out that there is some kind of symbiotic relationship between the two - obviously some of the seeds were fossilised along with Archen, restored with it, and now growing in synch with its cries. As it hungrily eats, it begins to glow, and before their startled eyes it evolves into Archeops, seen for the first time in 100 million years!



Man, Pokémon Evolutions sure were ugly 100 million years ago!

It flaps its ugly wings which causes a massive gust of wind, delighting Ash who tells Archeops to go for it and fly. It leaps down and catches the wind it has generated, flapping and successfully flying at last. The scientists are pleased, so Archen learned to fly by first evolving into Archeops? They're so pleased to see to forget the potentially disastrous ecological nightmare they've unleashed in terms of the tree feeding Archeops!

Over in the tower, James has finished downloading the research data (which apparently survived the destruction of the lab), but then Jesse's ass walks into the foreground to ask a question. Why send the data to Zager alone? Why not catch Archeops as well for an added bonus? James and Meowth seem okay with the idea... but good God please James back up your data first!

Archeops lands on the tree and screeches again to cause it to grow some more, and again Fennel and Juniper don't seem remotely concerned by this. They figure Archeops is thinking about building a nest, and suggest that they let it make this its home - after all they brought it into the modern world, maybe it's best they take some responsibility for it.

They're only thinking about this NOW!?!

But as they come to this decision without consultation with the City Council or any other official - Archeops barely dodges a Shadowball attack. Woobat and Yamask are attacking, backed by Team Rocket who are already in their jetpacks and hovering high in the air. Ash is exasperated, these guys AGAIN!?! Iris snaps they're annoying and Fennel remembers them from the Dream Yard, but Team Rocket could give two shits about them, they're after Archeops! James has Yamask use Nightshade to some kind of detrimental effect on the tree, and Ash has Tranquil attack with Air Cutter. Yamask blasts it away with Shadowball and Jesse follows through with Woobat's Air Slash, but the flying razors are frozen and broken up by Munna's Psychic. Ash has Pikachu use Electro-Volt, but Jesse and James counter with Air Slash and Nightshade, and Meowth mocks Ash, asking if he doesn't have more important things to do. Oddly enough, he does! Iris shouts out that the "fire" is getting out of control, because that's what the Nightshade is apparently, a "fire" on the trees getting out of control. Ash calls out Roggenrola and Oshawott, the latter delighted to be called out until it gets sight of what it is being asked to deal with.

Ash tells it to use Water Gun and Roggenrola to use Sandstorm, and they begin blasting at the "fire". Jesse tells Archeops that the only place it is flying is with them, and James throws up a self-extending bazooka, catches it and blasts Archeops with a net that drops it to the ground and then electrocutes it. Meowth is delighted, Flying Types are weak to electric attacks, and s-



Oh my Gentle Jesus.

Team Rocket barely dodged in time, and stare in surprise at Archeop's show of power. Jesse and James recall their Pokémon, having obviously decided discretion is the better part of valour (it took over a decade but they finally decided that escaping before they get their asses kicked is the way to go!). Archeops - free of the net - bursts through the air at them, but they blast out steam/smoke to cover their escape and get away - they have the data on the Restoration Machine and that's all they were supposed to get.

With the sun setting, the "fire" of the Nightshade is out and an exhausted Roggenrola and Oshawott are dozing in the dying warmth of the day. Archeops is depressed though, its "home" has been destroyed and there aren't exactly any other options for it since it is 100 million years out of time and all and hates the food in this time. But then something happens - a familiar cry is heard and Archeops and the twerps turn to see three Pokémon approaching out of the distance in the sky. What are they? They're... Archeops!

AHAHAHA! UNOVA SCIENCE AIN'T SHIT!

It seems that they have NOT been extinct for 100 million years, they've just been based in some secret location staying the fuck away from EVERYONE. Archeops happily joins them, and with a goodbye to Tranquil it flies away with its great, great, great (many times recurring) grandkids to a place where it can presumably get all the food it likes and get its Archeops fuck on.

The episode ends with a delighted Zager complimenting Team Rocket for the data they retrieved. They ask if the lack of Dream Energy will be a problem but he happily tells them that what's left of the sample they retrieved earlier will suffice. He has everything he needs to build a restoration machine of his own, and what's good for Team Rocket can't be good for the Unova Region!

But before that ending happened, we got to see Juniper and Fennel happily watch Archeops leave. They were completely happy not to know where these Pokémon have been hiding for 100 million years; not at all interested in how they haven't evolved (real evolution, not Pokémon evolution) in 100 million years; or how their ancient eco-system has survived. They're just happy that Archeops is happy, more concerned with the good of their subject than the data they could have derived from it. Which begs the question...

How the fuck have they had any success in the sciences?

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